Generation (SE)X: Women over 50 are having the best sex of their lives

Here are five ways women in midlife and beyond can enhance their sexual health

The world feels like it’s on fire. Many of the norms we’ve held onto for a lifetime are unraveling. There’s an undercurrent of anxiety in every conversation about the future. None of us know what’s going to happen next. And yet, we continue to human. Because we have to. We wake up and go to work and play with our kids and make meals and watch television, and if we’re lucky, we have some sex along the way.

Sex seems like a weird thing to write about in the middle of a coup, but maybe thinking about and having sex is precisely the temporary distraction we all need to remember our humanity and stay in the present moment. Because for all of the talk about the need to find glimmers of joy right now, sex (with ourselves or someone else) and all of its benefits—reduced anxiety, pain relief, better sleep, a sense of connection, and, most importantly, pleasure—feels more relevant than ever.

(I write at length about many of the ideas below in my new book, “Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age” out in June. Pre-order now and enroll in Firestarter University starting in the Fall.)

Part of the reason I have sex on the brain is a recent opinion editorial in the New York Times by Mireille Silcoff about what it means to be a sexual woman over 50. Silcoff argues that despite being portrayed by media as “a deflating biomedical index of problems, from diminished libido to painful sex to vaginal atrophy to breasts with no sensitivity,” many Gen X women are actually hitting our sexual stride. “This is a cohort of women with formative experiences that do not resemble those of the generations surrounding them: a generation that began having sex earlier than any other on record, that stayed on the singles market for years longer than their parents, that is continuing to have sex even amid a broader sexual decline.”

The research supports Silcoff’s hypothesis. According to recent surveys, Gen Xers are having more sex than both their Boomer parents and their Millennial and Gen Z kids. Researchers report that “Gen Z and Boomers exhibited nearly identical sexual frequencies, suggesting that both the youngest and oldest adults are having the least sex.” Researchers speculate that this disparity has to do with the culture in which Gen Xers came of age: we’re a generation known for absentee parents, easy access to birth control, and hypersexual media, from raunchy movies like Porky’s to erotica like Clan of the Cave Bear to shockingly blunt (for the time) songs like I Want Your Sex.

Thanks to third wave feminism, Gen X women had fewer cultural restraints than our parents. And thanks to a lack of social media, we felt more protected to explore our sexuality than our children.

Like most of my peers, I became sexually active in my teens. My Boomer parents rarely spoke about sex, so I learned most of what I knew from friends and experimentation. I had no hangups about the morality of sex, but I also didn’t understand or value the important role sex plays in relationships. In my 20s and 30s, most of my energy and attention were focused on my full time job, my three children under the age of five, and a sick parent. Sex fell to the very bottom of my list of priorities and, in retrospect, a barometer of doom for my first marriage. The more overwhelmed I became, the more repugnant sex seemed. A few weeks without sex turned into months. By the time we realized there was a problem, it was too late; our marriage was irretrievably broken.

A few years after we divorced, I found a new partner and remarried in my late 30s. This time, I picked someone I not only loved but also desired. And because my kids were older and I was less overwhelmed by life, my new husband and I were able to make sex a priority. Sometimes, that meant scheduling sex during the day when the kids were at school or planning a weekend trip away when they were with their dad. We also committed to going to a therapist at least once a month, no matter what, so that if any issues surfaced—including getting out of sync sexually—they wouldn’t fester. Now, almost 20 years into our marriage, I’m having the best sex of my life, and it’s only getting better. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way about making sex the best it can be in midlife:

Embrace your body: One of the things I regret most about my youth is being so hard on myself for not looking perfect. I spent decades shaming myself for being too heavy, too short, too lumpy. But now, as an older and wiser woman, I know and appreciate what my body can do, from giving birth to three large babies to hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro. According to a study cited by the National Institutes of Health, feeling attractive is key to sexual satisfaction in midlife women: “While many women are self-conscious about their appearance, some women develop increased self-acceptance.” What have I done to feel better about my body? I refuse to weigh myself, I’ve given away clothes that are uncomfortable or too tight, and I appreciate and honor what I love about my body instead of criticizing it (and it helps that I have a partner who loves my body, too).

Get re-acquainted with your partner: The average age of having a baby among Gen X women was 25, so for those of us who have children, most of us are or are about to be empty nesters. This gives us new time and freedom to reconnect to our partner, and one way to do that is by having more sex. And thanks to menopause, there’s no period or fear of pregnancy to get in the way of sex, which means you can be more spontaneous. Familiarity can create an ideal context for sexual desire; long-term relationship security and feeling emotionally safe with your partner can play a big factor in letting your "lizard brain" guard down, which creates mental and physical space for crucial elements of a reawakened sex life.

Find a new partner: For some, decades together can deepen the emotional connection to your partner, but for others, turning 50 might be the wake-up call that makes you realize you have a finite amount of time left, and you don’t want to spend it with the person you picked in your 20s. In fact, the average age of divorce for women in America is now 42 and rising, and according to a recent AARP study, 75 percent of women in their 50s enjoy being single. That’s in large part because they’re finally able to have fulfilling and empowering sexual lives without the baggage that can come with a longterm or even committed relationship.

Experiment with hormones: Menopause can wreak havoc on our sex lives when declining estrogen and testosterone levels impact our libido and vaginal health. LaReesa Ferdinand, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn who specializes in women’s hormones and menopause, says 40 to 50 percent of women experiencing menopause report a loss of desire or low libido. In addition, falling estrogen levels can cause vaginal dryness and thinning vaginal lining, making penetrative sex painful. To address these issues, our generation has access to treatments our mothers didn’t, including hormone replacement therapy (HRT). While HRT is not for everyone — like any medical treatment, there are downsides and even overpromises — a combination of estrogen, progesterone, and sometimes testosterone can help enhance sexual desire and health.

Try out new technologies: In addition to HRT and lubricants, new fractional CO2 laser treatments, like the MonaLisa Touch, are designed to restore vaginal health, improve vaginal tissue elasticity and tone, increase blood flow to enhance orgasms, and reduce pain during intercourse ( my OB/GYN, menopause expert in the East Bay, recommended the laser for some of the symptoms I’d been experiencing and it’s helped a lot). And new pelvic floor trainers are designed to strengthen the muscles that enhance orgasm. There are also new apps to help women better understand their sexual health by tracking menstrual cycles, hormonal changes, and libido patterns.

Given that Gen X women will live another 30 years on average, we each have the opportunity to begin a whole new second act, and for many, it will include pursuing sexual satisfaction. As Silcoff writes, “I am not telling you that 50 is the new 30. I am saying that when life’s milestones are moved around, new opportunities are created.” Many women in middle age and beyond are claiming the right to be desired and to be desiring. This act is not a desperate attempt to stay youthful and relevant, but to find fulfillment. And, ultimately, to leave a legacy for the next generation that menopause doesn’t have to be the end of women’s sex lives—it can be the beginning of the best sex we’ve ever had.

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