My journey to find friends helped me find community instead

Connection looks different than I expected, but it’s better than I imagined

“There is no power for change greater than a community discovering what it cares about,” Margaret J. Wheatley

Image from the St. Pete Bonfire gathering

Two years ago, I wrote about spending a year following experts’ advice on how to make friends. One afternoon, while loading the washing machine, I had a podcast playing in the background about friendship. The expert being interviewed said, “Everyone should have at least five people they can call in the middle of the night in case of an emergency.”

With a self-satisfied smirk, I thought to myself, That is precisely why I had five children.

But the expert continued.

“And those emergency contacts cannot be members of your family.”

Wait, what?

I leaned against the washer and tried to summon the names of five people I wasn’t related to who would answer a call from me in the middle of the night. I couldn’t even come up with one.

At the time, I was 52, and if I wanted to try to make new friends, it felt like now or never. So I did what I always do when I start a new project: I tried to learn as much as possible about how to do the thing before actually doing the thing. I listened to more podcasts. I bought books. I surveyed my followers on social media. I asked my kids how they made friends. And then—after studying up on something that seems to come intuitively to most people—I set out on my own journey.

Along the way, I’ve learned a lot about making friends (and losing them). I’ve realized that while I’m not too old to make friends, making friends is harder than I imagined. And while I still believe strongly in the deep bonds women can have with one another, honestly, I still don’t have a deep bench of friends I could call in the middle of a crisis. But what I realized in the process is something just as transformative: the importance of community. A larger network of good—but not necessarily best—friends. Acquaintances. Bonds that strengthen every aspect of my life, even if we’re not in constant communication.

A community is simply any social group whose members share something in common—whether that’s geography, heritage, values, or even a hobby. Communities help us find purpose. They allow us to test and refine our values. They invite us to be part of something larger than ourselves. Being part of a healthy community—even if it’s just a handful of people—helps us feel connected and grounded. This is especially important for people who’ve experienced trauma or loss, or who feel isolated, marginalized, bullied, or alone.

Community also leads to change. It empowers individuals to take collective action, address local concerns, and ultimately advocate for something better.

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In Buddhism, these kinds of communities are called “sanghas.” A sangha isn’t just a place where people gather; it’s an active process. It encourages people with shared interests to truly engage with one another. It’s a forum for nurturing relationships that, in turn, allow each individual to realize their own potential, values, and goals.

I’ve seen firsthand through Moms Demand Action that communities are where real change happens—in ourselves and in the world. Not only is Moms Demand Action one of the largest grassroots organizations in the nation, it’s also one of the largest real-life laboratories for helping women find their people—and, in turn, their power.

Having led Moms Demand Action for 11 years, I witnessed how communities of women create bonds rooted in shared values. Women show up looking for change—and find advice, job leads, mentorship, laughter, courage, and lifelong friendships. By pushing back against the status quo together, they create a sisterhood that helps them clarify what they believe, discover their fire, and realize they are capable of more than they imagined.

And if there’s anything we need right now in America, it’s a renewed sense of purpose and belonging.

Almost a year ago, my husband and I moved to Florida, leaving behind the friends and community I had built in California after stepping away from Moms Demand Action. It was the right decision for our family. But it meant starting over in a new and unfamiliar state.

I wasn’t initially thrilled about the move, given Florida’s politics. I assumed we would be two lonely blue dots, isolated from the rest of our new neighbors. But I was already on a journey to expand my friendships. And that meant digging in—even during a major life transition.

Less than a year into my new reality as a Floridian, I’m proud of how I’ve opened myself to new relationships. I’ve been reminded that finding your people is not a one-time achievement. It’s an ongoing practice.

Connection rarely comes from perfect alignment or identical lives. It comes from a willingness to let relationships look different than we imagined.

I have friends from activism. Friends from work. Friends from my neighborhood. Friends who exist almost entirely in voice notes and long text threads. Each relationship serves a different purpose. None of them are less real or less valuable because of it.

Images from the St. Pete Bonfire gathering

Here are a few things I’ve learned on this journey of building authentic relationships:

Cast a Wide Net

When you’re younger, friendships often form by proximity and convenience. You’re in the same classes, workplaces, or parenting trenches. The pool is smaller—but more concentrated.

As we get older, life splinters into different stages, priorities, and schedules.

One of the most important mindset shifts I’ve made is letting go of the idea that my friends need to look like me, live like me, or be in the same phase of life as me. By leading with openness, I’ve found connection in unexpected places.

Casting a wide net also means releasing the expectation that one person can meet every emotional or intellectual need. Some friends are for processing politics. Others are for laughter, travel, or quiet support. Many are simply friendly faces I see in everyday life.

Together, they form a diverse network that gives me something deeper than friendship alone: a true community.

Embrace the Space and Season You’re In

One way I’ve plugged into my new community is by attending workout classes. They’re part of my routine and essential to my wellbeing. The consistency of my morning F45 class means I see the same people regularly—people who also enjoy the shared challenge of sweating in public.

Embracing this season means staying open to what connection can look like. It means joining something new. It means allowing myself to be seen in spaces where I might previously have stayed anonymous.

As an introvert, this stretches me. But growth usually does.

Maintain Friendships in New Ways

Some of my closest friendships were forged in earlier chapters: when my kids were young, when my work looked different, when my confidantes lived nearby.

Distance and time have changed these relationships, but they haven’t diminished their value.

As life evolves, so do the mechanics of staying connected. Friends I once saw weekly now live in different states or time zones. Our conversations are less spontaneous. Our rhythms have shifted.

But the relationships still matter—and they require intention.

For me, that has meant planning ahead when we’ll be in the same city. Scheduling calls instead of assuming spontaneity. Accepting that connection might look like one long walk a year instead of weekly coffee. Being vulnerable enough to say out loud that a relationship matters—and then acting accordingly.

Find Your Bonfire

In my book “Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age,” I write about Bonfires – groups of women with likeminded values who are looking for a community to engage with and find personal, professional, and political fulfillment. After my book came out, women started getting together in real life to find fulfillment and one another.

Bonfire groups are now a nationwide effort to build local, in-person communities of women; real world spaces where women gather to grow, learn, and spark change together. There are robust trainings, resources, and ongoing support from a team with experience in community organizing. To join a cohort of local leaders who share a passion for community and who believe in the power of women to be supportive, collaborative, and change-makers, visit the website to see if there is a local group near where you live.

I believe deeply in creating intentional spaces for women to gather. A bonfire draws people together. It creates warmth. It invites storytelling. It reminds us that we’re not alone in the dark. When women gather around a shared purpose, something powerful happens. They learn. They grow. They build. They change themselves—and sometimes the world.

Last weekend, I attended a Bonfire group meeting where I live in Florida and it was energizing and inspiring. It also made me feel less alone in a post-pandemic, post-social media, polarized world.

We often hear about the growing epidemic of loneliness and social isolation in this country. In 2023, former Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory warning that social isolation poses significant risks to both individual and community health. He emphasized that social connectedness strengthens resilience, safety, and prosperity across neighborhoods and counties.

Those findings resonated deeply with me—not just as someone who has dedicated her life to building community power, but as a mom of young adults navigating an increasingly disconnected world.

The answer to loneliness isn’t necessarily finding five perfect people to call at 2 a.m.

It’s building a bonfire. It’s creating circles where people feel seen. It’s showing up, imperfectly and consistently. It’s understanding that connection doesn’t have to be intense to be meaningful.

Community may not replace best friends. But it can sustain us. It can strengthen us. And it can surprise us.

If you’re longing for deeper connection, don’t wait for it to magically appear. Cast a wider net. Say yes to the class. Send the text. Join the circle. Show up as you are.

You may set out looking for five emergency contacts—and discover instead something even more powerful: a community that holds you up long before the crisis comes.

And that, I’ve learned, can be just as rewarding.

For women ready to stop living on autopilot and playing it small, Fired Up will show you how to shatter your self imposed limitations and unleash your potential so you can finally start living the life you’ve always wanted. Click to order.