Using your voice in your local community with Samara Bay
A Q&A with author, speaker, and media coach Samara Bay
Tell us about your background and the ways in which you encourage women to show up, use their voice, and be proud of it.
I had this wild moment the summer of 2018. My background is as a dialect coach in Hollywood – which means essentially telling movie stars what to do with their tongues. And the movie star in question that summer was Gal Gadot. I got to work with her on Wonder Woman 2 in Washington DC for a month. But, for anyone who’s seen the movie, there’s a lot of flying sequences in those DC scenes and not a lot of dialogue. I had way too much time to think: it was the summer we were two years into our former president’s term, hurtling toward our first midterm, our first chance to change the narrative in the country. And that was the summer we were getting inundated with those gut wrenching photos of kids torn from their families at the border. My activist friends were burned out, I was burned out, no protest seemed like enough.
And then I got this call: a friend had suggested me to Moveon.Org because they had all these first-time women candidates – what would become the blue wave but we didn’t know that at the time. All we knew was that they were new to running for office and needed support – and would I sign on to coach them on public speaking?
I had never done it before! But I had a hunch I’d be of use and frankly was thrilled to have something to DO rather than just worry and write postcards and march.
Working with those women changed my life. I discovered something coaching each of them – they were all magnificent, the exact type of human you want leading you, whose lived experience sets them up to have the skills and empathy to actually represent you. But they all had trouble SHOWING UP MAGNIFICENTLY in the moments that matter as they prepped their stump speeches and envisioned the crowds of people, all eyes on them. I had a front row seat to the public speaking fears and shoulds holding them back from their greatness.
I saw how the history of public spaces – not built with us in mind – and the history of public voices – who tends to have power and how they tend to sound – does a number on each of us.
And I saw how I could help these brilliant rising leaders change the story.
In your experience, what obstacles are women working to overcome when it comes to speaking out about what they want?
It takes a billion different forms but it often comes down to a learned fear of being too much or not enough or both. It all sounds so cliche but the reality is: no matter how successful or sophisticated we are, and no matter how much work we’ve done on self-love and self-acceptance, when we speak in front of lots of people… shit comes up. And we need all the permission we can get.
So the question is: how do you create the conditions for permission? How do you create for yourself the psychological safety to believe your ideas matter, your body belongs there, your stories are relevant, and your voice is exactly what’s needed in this moment exactly as it is?
One of my favorite tools is to start a list of folks who show up in public in a way that feels fresh and loving to you. These are examples of what I call “the new sound of power” – people like you, Shannon, not just saying revolutionary things with your words but how. Showing up with an emotional openness and personalness that’s bold and brave and vulnerable and strong and specific not generic. It’s not just that you speak up, it’s that you do it with your humanity intact.
And by the way, all of this works better with allies and in community, so I’ve spoken all around the country to groups as varied as refugees and high school leaders and MAC Cosmetics master stylists and Googlers and this year’s slate of women running for office. I love when I hear about book clubs reading my book together. There’s some serious 70’s consciousness-raising-party vibes there and I am all about it. Toni Morrison once said “as we enter positions of trust and power, dream a little before you think.”
This is collective dream work. This is justice work. This is legacy work.
Because the folks who SHOW UP when they show up, with their wholeness and spirit and mischief intact, shape our world.
If a woman is looking to become more vocal in her community, say in speaking confidently at the local school board meeting, what tips do you have for her?
Download the audiobook of Permission to Speak and let it play on you. I’ve been told the intro alone has cracked so many folks open. We just don’t normally have the space to think about our relationship to our voice – to being seen and heard as we are – and we need it. A soft, shame-free spot to consider what stories we’re holding onto about how people are supposed to sound, about how we’re doing it wrong… and to release the ones that don’t serve us.
Super practical tip: warm up to show up. Move your body, twist your spine, stretch out the tight spots, wiggle it out, get down to Cowboy Carter, get your breath going, make some silly sounds in private, and call to mind a juicy memory of a time someone really saw you. Maybe it was a hug or a text or a voicemail or something you heard through the grapevine that made you smile, that what you said mattered to someone or that what you made, made a difference. Breathe that memory in with your whole body and allow it to remind you of your badassery. Psychologists call this “priming for power” and it’s so much more useful than the worst-case-scenario-izing we might do otherwise just before a high-stakes moment.
I like the reminder that it’s up to us whether we call to mind thoughts that make us feel small or thoughts that make us feel big. The first is easier—‘cuz brains and evolution. But the second is a full-blown revolution inside your own mind.
Collecting kind memories and then recalling them on purpose is the sort of tiny radical act that can change a life. Likely, many.
What about in written form - if a woman wants to write to her local officials, how can she be sure that she is getting her point across?
I interviewed Sarah Hurwitz for my book – she was Michelle Obama’s speechwriter all 8 years in the White House – and I asked how the two of them would figure out what Michelle was going to say to any given group. She told me, begin by asking yourself: what is the truest thing I can say here?
I love this because it connects us right away to something visceral not intellectual, to how much we care and how much we love. The trick with cold letter writing is to keep it short and direct but also to lead with love, by which I mean dare yourself to believe that how much you care is a strength not a weakness. Rebecca Traister once said, “women’s anger diagnoses social injustice.” Trust that what you’re furious about matters, that the fury itself is for the greater good. And that we need you owning the crap out of that, for you, me, and us.
If you could give women three tips to show up more authentically as themselves, what would they be?
Start a list of folks who show up in public in a way that inspires you. Gathering names, listening for folks that make you lean in, is a powerful way to change the story for yourself right where you are.
Bring in a little mischief. Notice what you’re like when you’re with your favorite people. When you’re feeling a little spicy, or rule-breaky, or playful. When you’ve come alive. Trust we want her.
And of course, come join my Substack community
! Seriously, the answer is different for everyone but this is why I offer monthly live coaching over Zoom and quarterly workshops on stuff like storytelling and pitching and bravery. The people who show up have all kinds of gorgeous a-ha’s about what permission and authenticity feels like to them on the inside. It’s the frickin’ coolest!
This is fantastic. I once lost out on a job I was highly qualified for because I just could not handle the public speaking part which was a requirement. I went to Toastmasters and ended up getting the same job when it reopened two years later. Finding your voice is such a powerful tool. Thank you, Samara!
This is wonderful. I will take these points and certainly use them and will also be buying her audiobook. One can never stop learning!