The part that really gets me is when you describe how many girls "internalized their ADHD symptoms as personal flaws." It rings true for so many things, even beyond ADHD. I think this says so much about the culture in which girls are raised and the subconscious messaging we pick up as children about what a "good girl" is.
Like me,too. Hi Gen X! This 68-yr old Boomer wishes we all had the benefits of diagnosis and treatment way, way back. And even more, I wish we had had the understanding and even grudging acceptance by others. I was diagnosed only 10 years ago. Yeah my youth was a shitstorm. Much of my adulthood, too.
Sure. I was referred to a psychologist who specialized in evaluations. My psychiatrist who treated me for depression (who referred) said also to evaluate for early signs of dementia. But, if you have ADD, you’ve had it your whole life, so dementia will be something else entirely. I think I had to pay out of pocket, but we got reimbursed for part of it.
The result saddened me and made me angry at times to think of how I could have lived differently. But getting on a prescribed non-stimulant medication, Strattera, saved my life.
Thanks for the feedback…..I will talk to my GP. And yes,I’ve had it my whole life. I was an “A” student except for a “C” in conduct because I couldn’t sit still or keep my mouth shut.
I’ve been told I’m selfish or make things about me so many times because I share related stories to show understanding. I’m pretty sensitive to it now and make sure draw an obvious line back tI the other person.
This made me cry. I was labeled a high achieving quitter as a kid. An ADHD diagnosis was not even in the realm of possibility in my world. I wasn't diagnosed until a trauma in my mid 30's. I started meds but dropped them over the course of having kids. A good diet and exercise helped me managed symptoms for periods of time until peri-menopause hit. I did not understand what was going on, made some horrible professional decisions as a result with impacted my family to this day and was overwhelmed by how my body and my brain were breaking down. Doc's never even mentioned it but immediately suggested anti-depressants and unhelpful tests for physical ailments that I did not have. Once I got proper medical advice and the breakthrough to HRT, I was able to address get back to treatment for ADHD. It has been life saver. To say that I am angry at the medical profession is an understatement of epic proportions. I feel like they abandoned women once child bearing was no longer primary. I have no doubt they are responsible for increases in suicide for women over the age of 40. Thank you once again for being a voice for women and speaking these experiences into existence.
I wasn’t called this, but it is what my higher education looked like. I couldn’t cope with time management and all the moving parts that had to be juggled. I burned out and hurt my health through lack of sleep. I felt worthless.
High achieving quitter, here. And it’s the foundation of most of my deep shame. I’m 57 and trying to get a diagnosis and being told it’s more than a year wait in Ohio.
Ugh, that’s so frustrating. I’m considering paying out of pocket and using one of the online programs that match you with providers in your area and have openings immediately. Every day I wonder why I pay for insurance.
Thank you Shannon for this article! I have friends in this category for sure. And if it's okay to ask this here, where the ADHDers are gathering with some wisdom/experience...What advice would any of you have for a young woman I love, in her early 20’s? This article made me cry for her, who had ALL the risks mentioned (depression, anxiety, ED, high-achieving ability/glimmers/moments but no diagnosis or understanding until AFTER six traumatic teen years and finally letting go of trying to finish high school as all the juggling/avoiding exploded. She carries so much shame, even though now she's understands she has ADHD, she's holding a job (for a year, is managing others), and is in a happy relationship (two years)...I can see she's often surviving, not thriving. She's frozen/exhausted on days off, and unable to do anything but work on work days...so there are all the Other Life Things that aren't getting done (health appointments, car maintenance, annoying paperwork, etc.). I fear she will always only deal with things when they blow up b/c she's so tired from masking/managing all the time. Any suggestions for a younger woman?
Shew! That was me. This article felt like a weight lifted. We have no support here in the US! I’ve taught myself skills to manage tasks. I sometimes don’t use them. It’s a slippery slope if I don’t though. It’s such a balancing act! European countries are far better about resources than we are. My suggestion is to get with a doctor who actually listens and cares and stay with them. I have exactly one doctor. ONE. for each diagnosis that was true. I have long moved on from them through scattered jobs but, if you find the one, try to hang on.
Thank you so much for chiming in. I'm glad you found your doctor. Do you mind sharing what things have helped you, either with that doctor or on your own? Had medication been a part of your strategy? It's been another year and my beloved one is doing a bit better but it's a world of management still. She's tired. She thinks she'll just have long-term anxiety and depression forever I think. I'd love for her to dream bigger but am not sure how best to help.
Honestly, it’s a lot of small things for general living. I’ll get back to that.
For ADHD in general:
Adderall (regular) works best for me, the other meds affect my nervous stomach and/or cause headaches. I take 40 mg a day. This can be a long experiment in order to find the right fit. Do not let your provider talk you into something that does not serve you. Just recently I had to explain to my provider why this works for me better than everything else because she poo-pooed it. Put a stop to this behavior immediately. Say, “Thanks for your input but, I would rather take what my body is comfortable with.” I’m always polite… I know they’re under pressure to prescribe less controlled medication but, I am very firm. Adopt this stance and it’ll work every time.
For anxiety:
I take hydroxyzine. This is a non-addictive med that is really affective for calm as well as sleep. Very important.
I smoke and eat pot. Daily. But, I have rules around it for myself so as not to be a “stoner” (lack of motivation is a spiral-trigger for ADHD folks). THC has been an absolute life saver. In the evenings, I eat gummy’s or hard candy supplements and smoke pre-rolled joints. Alcohol hits the nervous system hard. It’s really best to refrain. THC calms me and makes me return to my lighter self in the evenings. I can let go.
Meditation:
I don’t do traditional or specific forms. I just lay and try to focus on one thing at a time. I also use my hands and fingers to make “movements of removal”, I call them. (I also have fibromyalgia and I use this for pain). I actually lay on my back rather than sit and let my body slowly sink into the floor. I focus in and release then focus on an image and I pull the stress from my chest out to the floor over and over. It works.
For depression:
Good, old fashioned Prozac works best for me. It doesn’t allow you to hit the low low places but still allows you to feel.
Handling providers:
Do not allow your provider to talk you into taking something that doesn’t properly serve you. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF ALWAYS.
Don’t let any doctor belittle your symptoms! Tell them to refer you to someone who has experience with YOUR situation, not fit you into their judgments/ideals. Adderall is not a party drug for us. It’s a lifeline. At 56, I STILL have to defend my use of Adderall. Ridiculous.
Life around the house:
Help her to set up her house in a way that is organized!!! When your head is not organized, it helps immensely if your space is. She should have nice baskets around and lots and lots of hooks. I know it sounds funny but, this has been SO key for me. When I lose something, it’s an, “EVERYONE STOP AND LOOK FOR MY THINGS!” Situation. No one wants that. I have very large baskets and a little table with drawers around the place where I primarily sit.
I use those large, soft baskets for my clothes, a separate smaller basket for socks and one for underwear. No drawers for me.
The hooks replace a closet for me so that hangers are out of my life forever. Good riddance!
A WHITE BOARD!! If there’s a way to incorporate a large one in her space, it’s a game changer! It’s hers to scribble all the daily stuff, the future plans, etc. and it’s in your face so that the 1000 little notes everywhere don’t have to exist.
Talk to her about how she does things around the house and what might help her should pop out here and there for you to get ideas.
I’ve actually thought about a business for this because it took me a long time!!
People with ADHD can barely see around themselves at times because our heads are spinning, swirling or spiraling so, making sure things are in eyesight and easily manageable and cleanable is awesome. It helps to have a little, organized oasis in your world.
I went through graduate school… it can be done! When I applied to graduate school, I did so by completing one task a day. One. This one way of doing things has changed how I do almost everything. One. Thing. At. A. Time.
It’s the little things that matter the most.
Please DM me if you would like me to chat with her directly… or you. I’m more than happy to help.
The other thing that has helped with all of this is helping others’. It makes me feel better and teaches me .
wow. Thank you. That is a lot of information and clearly you have sorted so many helpful strategies for yourself. I really appreciate the time you took to share this. I will definitely share it with my girl directly and see if she is interested in a direct chat. I know what you mean about how helping others is a help to us. This is true in lots of situations, and I really relate to it. We pay it forward.
I hear you.. I just found this writer here.. I struggled all my life., a wise teacher noted my struggles in third grade the second year she had me as a student.. she sent me to the school psychologist.. I was so scared.. he recommended whatever he did then.. my mother turned them all down and I just shut down.. that teacher tried.. she gave me the lead in the class play.. it helped me to feel better for a bit.. but I struggled academically.. ( especially math.. mental block I was told.. just work harder!) Yelled at for my behavior and I shut down for a long time.. never got to college.. did do Nursing for almost 40 years.. but, once computers were used… always called out for poor time management and later written up for that.. .. burned out.. hurt my health and income.. finally after I lost my position and hurt and hurting I used that darn computer to do research on what only I knew to myself…. Talked to my medical doctor and sent for testing which confirmed what I experienced and struggled to.. I was 56 .. .. but, finally .. answers.. it did not have to be that way.. i feel like you.. makes me cry too.. i gave it my all.. those young woman are amazing.. ❤️
I remember a college-rejection letter - ‘classic under-achiever’. WTF if I have high test scores and makes As in some classes would I CHOOSE do to poorly?? Boggles the mind.
High achieving procrastinator elementary - HS, dropped out of a full ride to college, Major depressive disorder diagnosis in my late 20’s, ED NOS diagnosis in my 30’s and multiple anti-depressants to try to find the right fit.
At 50, a psychiatrist shared my ADHD diagnosis by starting with, “I’m so sorry no one told you this earlier in life…”
My PCP chalked everything up to depression and doesn’t believe the risks of hormones are worth the reward.
At 51 I had a major depressive episode that included passive intrusive thoughts and resulted in a round of TMS treatments which I felt guilty about!!
When insomnia started to creep back in, doctors said it was depression but I clapped back. After months of waiting for a referral (there is only one office in my state that offers diagnosis testing to adults) I opted for an online option my insurance covered and found a new doctor to talk to about hormones.
I’ve been on adhd meds coupled with therapy and estrogen for about 4 months now and the difference is life changing.
Be loud, you’re right about what you’re feeling and if your care providers don’t listen, find someone who will.
Oof. Wow. High achieving quitter. That landed. Hard. Thank you for sharing. Your experience only boosts my curiosity around hope for HRT to help me. Good luck to you.
I'm 65, and adhd has been my life long companion. The conservative parenting style of the 1960s and 1970s did not allow for neurdivergence; it wasn't really a thing and everything I ever did chaotically was put down to laziness, clumsiness and not maximizing potential.
I am currently tapering paxil, which I've taken for 6 years this month. I've improved my adhd dramatically through behavioral techniques, exercise and diet. It still kicks in with misplaced things, forgetting things and so on, but I also know that my adhd is my superpower for being very creative.
I want to hug every person who had to suffer with this iin childhood and the rest of life. My story leads me to say get help and get healthy. And love your creative, beautiful self. 🧡
I agree with this. I have a love/hate relationship with ADHD. It was the silent source of confusion and shame when I was young, but it has been a blessing in my adult life as an artist.
Diagnosed a year & 1/2 ago at age 55 - 2 years after my 2 HS aged kids were. I took adderall for a while but I'd get heart palps & w/my family's history of A-fib I thought I'd see if I could manage w/o. But it worked SO well, omg. If I can't get my shit together I may try to go back - I don't know. I do use cannabis to sleep & to manage the anxiety that comes w/ADHD but it's not perfect & I've been cutting back.
So, I'm left with strategies - and as I read more and more about different ways to address things like procrastination & lack of exec function, I realize that these techniques do work! If only I could consistently do them! So I try new things like telling family & friends about what I'm struggling with - giving myself some outside accountability. And just this week that helped me finish something that I started months ago! But it's still a struggle & it gets frustrating. I feel tired a lot and like I want a magic bullet to fix this, but I try to remind myself that I am new to the diagnosis and the pandemic/my kids graduating HS wiped out a huge portion of my routine, which it turns out I desperately need.
But w/the continued struggles has come a ton of new realizations about myself bc I finally have the proper framework with which to examine my behavior. I've learned that I can be really really REALLY bad at estimating time & that I do need to be intentional about keeping myself busy/interested or else my brain will stop caring & tune out and there is almost nothing I can do to stop that from happening in the moment.
Most of all though I am profoundly grateful that I found out because ultimately what the diagnosis gave me was a way to begin to stop hating myself for all the times I fucked up & couldn't figure out why, so I decided I was a broken, terrible person. And that has been life-altering, in the best sense of the word.
Thanks for the opportunity to share - I appreciate you.
Hi! Just wanted to say that Adderall did the same to me. Fortunately, if I take a low dose of methylphenidate it doesn’t seem to cause the heart palpitations. If the dosage goes up too high sometimes I do experience the palpitations, so for now my doctor and I keep it at a low dosage. Also, there are non stimulant ADHD medications that might work for you. I have thought about trying them if the methylphenidate stops working for me. Good luck!
Yes!! Regular dose has worked well tried the XR version and WHOA - ended up in the hospital having my heart restarted. XR needs to be handled with extreme caution. Not sure its meant for women in peri or menopause where heart palps are side effects to begin with. I am back to regular low dose with no issues.
Yes!!! I was on regular adderall with miraculous results. I’m 52 now. After 5 years my doc switched me to XR version for some vague reason. I had palpitations and felt speedy and angry alll the time. I switched to another doctor 4 years ago and have been on 20mg twice daily with no issues.
GenXer w/ ADHD out here with some hopeful news: Adderall isn’t the only option out there. It wasn’t a fit for me either, and after trying several different stimulants and non-stimulants, I landed on Vyvanse and it has been a game changer for me. (And its generic version is now on the market. ) Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist/pharmacologist and ask them to prescribe something else until you find the one that helps you most. It may take some time, but us women with ADHD have black belts in resilience 💪🏻
I was just diagnosed two months ago at age 49 after my marriage counselor said she thought I had it. That’s crazy, I thought, couldn’t be me.
I think I just coped all these years. Then, the same week everything shut down in 2020, my 6-year-old was diagnosed with ADHD. Over the past four years my ability to focus and just to power through has seriously eroded. It’s impacted my job most critically but my home life too. Compulsive spending and overeating, anyone? Not officially in perimenopause yet but I’d be shocked if that wasn’t driving the pronounced symptoms too.
I’ve been prescribed meds but there’s still that national shortage. But I’m really curious to see if it helps. I can’t believe how much of a thing this is for Gen X and now it’s specifically my thing!
less alone now! I’ve suspected for several years that undiagnosed ADHD was the culprit behind my chronic tardiness, inability to finish projects, forgetfulness, distractibility when trying to read books or long articles, hyper-focus on certain tasks or projects, and what I perceive as my “failure to live up to my potential” (though from the outside I don’t think I’m perceived that way). My brain has gotten even more foggy since I went through early menopause at 47. Even my teen/tween kids have started to say, “mom, you should really get diagnosed.” Last week I decided I definitely need to seek help after breaking down in tears when I couldn’t find orders for bloodwork I need to manage a thyroid disorder. My forgetfulness has negatively affected my career, my relationships, and is literally affecting my health!
I’m sorry for your struggles Shannon, & all you other commenters. It is a comfort to know we’re in this together.
Get the diagnosis! I can't tell you why but even after my 2 teens got diagnosed it still didn't even enter my mind that I could have it until they said (just like yours!), "uh, mom? We think you have it too." It was LIFE CHANGING.
Same. I didn't think I needed a diagnosis, and I had NO IDEA how life-changing just that would be, let alone the world of resources it opened up. Also, I assumed I had mild Inattentive, and learned I actually have moderate to severe Combo - which also opened up a new world to me. There was so much I didn't know, and therefore didn't understand about myself. I also never knew RSD was a thing, and when I learned about it, I burst into tears because it explained SO. MUCH. that I've never understood about myself (and that others didn't understand about me). Gosh. Just so much there (re:diagnosis and information - it's like opening a fire hose.
That’s what my daughter said to me too after she was diagnosed at 30. I still haven’t sought a diagnosis but a using several strategies to manage it. I plan to get an evaluation mostly for validation.
I have a thyroid disorder also and that adds to the brain fog and forgetfulness. I think you will feel so much better when you get diagnosis and treatment. If nothing else, you'll understand that this is a medical issue and not a personal flaw. Good luck!
56. Diagnosed ADHD inattentive last year after the death of my husband. I have become a woman I don't recognize. The brain fog is the worst. I had a mental health emergency in March and I'm finally taking my mental health seriously for the first time in my life.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was diagnosed in 2020 and my husband died last year. It really does feel like the grief takes up all my executive function.
As we speak, I’m writing a paper for a psychology final (I’m a 48yo college student)on — get this — women and adhd/why have we been overlooked…
I really managed fairly well just by coping — though anxiety and some depression have been always present. Having my 3rd child in 2009 was the tipping point for me — things just got harder there, but still, I pushed through. Over the last 4-6 years, with perimenopause joining the fun, my distractibility, foggy brain, and scatterbrain-ness has gone into overdrive. I often joked about having adhd, but never sought help. (For the record — I’m pretty sure my husband is SUPER neurotypical, one kid is diagnosed AudDHD (autism & adhd), and my other 2 are likely adhd as well. When I finally did mention it to my doctor it still took almost a year for her to say — yeah see a psychiatrist. When I was finally working with a psychiatrist, being evaluated (SO VALIDATING!!), and ultimately on Adderall + therapy, things turned around. This is a real problem for us GenX-ers. I could never be a successful student without the treatment program — I’m finally close to getting my BS. I dropped out of college at 21 with 75+ credits because I just couldn’t handle a course load plus working full time. Now — I’m so close!
Full disclosure— I am also on hormone replacement therapy. Thanks, Perimenopause.
Thank you for writing about this! I feel so validated in your words and those of the women commenting. I was not diagnosed until my mid 40’s and as I look back I feel cheated and angry. There were so many signs; I didn’t speak until I was 3 yrs old, inattentive, detrimental procrastination even though I was and am normally such a compliant rule follower, stimming (hair twirler like my Dad among other things), hyper focus on things that I was interested in, always in trouble for being too talkative with my friends in class, anxiety, and intermittent depression, the list goes on. I also know I suffer from dyscalculia. I somehow was able to manage with strict routines and coping strategies, so I wouldn’t forget anything, which led to control issues and more anxiety. I wasn’t able to finish college, it was too overwhelming with working full time. My kids were diagnosed with ADHD (ironically although they are both adopted) and then eventually Autism and, through my journey with them, I began to recognize my struggles and see how neurodiversity ran throughout my family. Through it all I managed, until I couldn’t. Peri menopause started early and then menopause and with the pressures of advocating for services and benefits and school supports for my kids (that is an entire other journey/nightmare) and being the one to handle the executive functioning responsibilities for my kids and my ADHD husband (he was diagnosed as a young boy), I broke. And now at 52, I’m trying to put the pieces back together and continue to take care of my kids and it all feels so defeating most of the time. Hormones and medication have helped some and talk therapy was so enlightening and helpful, before my insurance stopped covering it. It’s been a journey and it feels so lonely. So I appreciate this conversation and I think it is so important for our children , especially girls today. It is what drove me to advocate so hard for my daughter and my son, and eventually as an IEP advocate for other children. Hyper focus does pay off sometimes! Also, I want to say that while reading your piece I had a light bulb moment, prior I understood masking as it pertained to Autism, but for some reason I never applied it to ADHD or to myself, and I now realize that is what I have done my whole life. It is changing my perspective of myself and my struggles and I feel an amazing amount of grace and empathy for myself with this newfound knowledge. Thank you!
I’ve not been diagnosed but after reading so much about inattentive adhd and math dyslexia, it describes so much of what I have experienced.
My issues caused me to drop out of college, which has led to a lifetime of judgement and shame as literally the only person without a degree in my family.
I made it work and ended up working in a sales environment but then got married and have been a stay at home mom to 4 kids.
My anxiety was through the roof as my kids were growing up - my time management is non existent so I am 1/2 hour early to everything and have a severe fear of not having enough time so only thinking I can accomplish a few things a day.
Now going through menopause, I am doing hormone therapy and that has helped but my self esteem is nonexistent.
I’m thankful that my husband and kids are a dream so it’s easy to hide but I struggle daily with even wanting to leave the house some days.
I could write an entire novel as to how this has affected my life
I’m an “elder-millennial” “xennial” with a birthday in 1983 and I was just diagnosed with ADHD this past month. I’ve see therapists and psychiatrists since I was FIVE—always for generalized anxiety and then panic disorder. My therapist likened it to a pot of noodles that’s been cooked and then congealed-we’re just pulling them apart! I have definitely had some feelings of grief and an identity crisis. So many things now “make sense.”
I was born in 1987, we started looking at ADHD diagnosis when my oldest was getting a lot of incident reports shortly after the birth of my second kid at the end of 2019. Once we started to learn more it became clear to me that my husband and I both had ADHD. None of us are on meds still but I often wonder if we weren’t self employed and able to set our own schedules how much harder it would be.
“my separation anxiety made me flee friends’ sleepovers in the middle of the night” !!!!!!! I did this! I was also diagnosed w ADHD as an adult. When I told my stepmother this she said ‘but you were so organized—I’ve never seen such an organized child.’ Of course that’s a classic symptom of girls/women w ADHD. I struggled so much w school and didn’t start thriving until I started working. It’s enraging how girls and women are IGNORED by the medical establishment—when will it stop.
Thanks for your work on this Shannon — this is really important research. It’s quite shocking to see comments from so many women who have shared this experience, as it’s such a lonely one. Diagnosis in my early 40s has changed my life, but has also been very destabilising; it turned the volume way up on the awful negative messaging which had been playing in my head since I was a child. I had been repeatedly told that I was lazy, that I “wasn’t trying” and that I was a procrastinator. I internalised all of this and it festered, becoming chronic anxiety and debilitating depression. With my diagnosis, suddenly I could hear all that messaging for what it was, but the grief that came with this realisation has been enormous.
I feel this to my core. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried on my way to something because I’m going to be late despite spending days planning for it.
The shame is huge and real….but also just some bitch in our head who suffers from faulty programming.
Another one of your brilliant articles where you bring light to what women our age are dealing with!
I was diagnosed at 43. I could manage* juggling it all when it was just me (but with a ton of stress of last minute deadlines and many to do lists), but it was too hard to juggle everything when I had to manage three children who all had adhd. I just couldn’t keep up and that’s when I was diagnosed. I was so thankful to my primary care and ENT who in 2012 (!) both asked me if I’ve ever considered that I might have adhd.
*manage, not thrive
I have always, always, always lived with the constant guilt that comes with forgetting things. I had internalized my mother’s words of “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” that she’d say whenever I’d tell her how sorry I was for not doing what she asked. She is 91 now and moved into my house 18 months ago. Through living together and talking about adhd brains, she now understands that it isn’t intentional, and that I am harder on myself than she ever was. She doesn’t ever say it to me anymore ❤️
A wonderful therapist once told me that in Buddhism it’s the intention that matters, not the outcome. That knowledge has helped me begin to heal.
This is me. I'm going to be 52 and was diagnosed at age 49. If I had been diagnosed earlier in life, things would have been so different for me. I still struggle with how to manage it (I'm on Vyvanse, which helps), but man it is hard.
The part that really gets me is when you describe how many girls "internalized their ADHD symptoms as personal flaws." It rings true for so many things, even beyond ADHD. I think this says so much about the culture in which girls are raised and the subconscious messaging we pick up as children about what a "good girl" is.
Yep. Boys with ADHD were considered energetic, girls were out of control.
Or lazy and spacey ….
That was me. Or "She's bright, she'll be fine. She's just shy."
Like me,too. Hi Gen X! This 68-yr old Boomer wishes we all had the benefits of diagnosis and treatment way, way back. And even more, I wish we had had the understanding and even grudging acceptance by others. I was diagnosed only 10 years ago. Yeah my youth was a shitstorm. Much of my adulthood, too.
I'm 76 and I've only been self-diagnosed and only about 6 years ago. Should I go to my doctor?
Sure. I was referred to a psychologist who specialized in evaluations. My psychiatrist who treated me for depression (who referred) said also to evaluate for early signs of dementia. But, if you have ADD, you’ve had it your whole life, so dementia will be something else entirely. I think I had to pay out of pocket, but we got reimbursed for part of it.
The result saddened me and made me angry at times to think of how I could have lived differently. But getting on a prescribed non-stimulant medication, Strattera, saved my life.
Thanks for the feedback…..I will talk to my GP. And yes,I’ve had it my whole life. I was an “A” student except for a “C” in conduct because I couldn’t sit still or keep my mouth shut.
And symptoms were/are more forgivable for boys (whether or not there's a diagnosis).
Hyperactive boys = Boys will be boys
Daydreaming girls = Lazy/ditzy
Yep this was me, have internalized this so completely
Or daydreamers!! I was told by my school counselor that I was not living up to my potential!
Ain’t that the truth
Are ADHDs more likely to be HSPs?
I’ve been told I’m selfish or make things about me so many times because I share related stories to show understanding. I’m pretty sensitive to it now and make sure draw an obvious line back tI the other person.
That’s a hard one to learn!! 🫶🏼
I do this, too!!
Same here.
Amen
This made me cry. I was labeled a high achieving quitter as a kid. An ADHD diagnosis was not even in the realm of possibility in my world. I wasn't diagnosed until a trauma in my mid 30's. I started meds but dropped them over the course of having kids. A good diet and exercise helped me managed symptoms for periods of time until peri-menopause hit. I did not understand what was going on, made some horrible professional decisions as a result with impacted my family to this day and was overwhelmed by how my body and my brain were breaking down. Doc's never even mentioned it but immediately suggested anti-depressants and unhelpful tests for physical ailments that I did not have. Once I got proper medical advice and the breakthrough to HRT, I was able to address get back to treatment for ADHD. It has been life saver. To say that I am angry at the medical profession is an understatement of epic proportions. I feel like they abandoned women once child bearing was no longer primary. I have no doubt they are responsible for increases in suicide for women over the age of 40. Thank you once again for being a voice for women and speaking these experiences into existence.
High achieving quitter. This was me too 😕
I wasn’t called this, but it is what my higher education looked like. I couldn’t cope with time management and all the moving parts that had to be juggled. I burned out and hurt my health through lack of sleep. I felt worthless.
“All the moving parts that had to be juggled” is a perfect description.
They burnt me to a crisp.
I’m so sorry. I hope you have been able to or can begin to find a way to recover and find joy and peace in your unique gifts.
So difficult 😕
I hit that wall with work and two kids under 10, juggling capacity broke down.
High achieving quitter, here. And it’s the foundation of most of my deep shame. I’m 57 and trying to get a diagnosis and being told it’s more than a year wait in Ohio.
I have been waiting almost two years!
Ugh, that’s so frustrating. I’m considering paying out of pocket and using one of the online programs that match you with providers in your area and have openings immediately. Every day I wonder why I pay for insurance.
Thank you Shannon for this article! I have friends in this category for sure. And if it's okay to ask this here, where the ADHDers are gathering with some wisdom/experience...What advice would any of you have for a young woman I love, in her early 20’s? This article made me cry for her, who had ALL the risks mentioned (depression, anxiety, ED, high-achieving ability/glimmers/moments but no diagnosis or understanding until AFTER six traumatic teen years and finally letting go of trying to finish high school as all the juggling/avoiding exploded. She carries so much shame, even though now she's understands she has ADHD, she's holding a job (for a year, is managing others), and is in a happy relationship (two years)...I can see she's often surviving, not thriving. She's frozen/exhausted on days off, and unable to do anything but work on work days...so there are all the Other Life Things that aren't getting done (health appointments, car maintenance, annoying paperwork, etc.). I fear she will always only deal with things when they blow up b/c she's so tired from masking/managing all the time. Any suggestions for a younger woman?
Shew! That was me. This article felt like a weight lifted. We have no support here in the US! I’ve taught myself skills to manage tasks. I sometimes don’t use them. It’s a slippery slope if I don’t though. It’s such a balancing act! European countries are far better about resources than we are. My suggestion is to get with a doctor who actually listens and cares and stay with them. I have exactly one doctor. ONE. for each diagnosis that was true. I have long moved on from them through scattered jobs but, if you find the one, try to hang on.
Thank you so much for chiming in. I'm glad you found your doctor. Do you mind sharing what things have helped you, either with that doctor or on your own? Had medication been a part of your strategy? It's been another year and my beloved one is doing a bit better but it's a world of management still. She's tired. She thinks she'll just have long-term anxiety and depression forever I think. I'd love for her to dream bigger but am not sure how best to help.
Gladly!
Honestly, it’s a lot of small things for general living. I’ll get back to that.
For ADHD in general:
Adderall (regular) works best for me, the other meds affect my nervous stomach and/or cause headaches. I take 40 mg a day. This can be a long experiment in order to find the right fit. Do not let your provider talk you into something that does not serve you. Just recently I had to explain to my provider why this works for me better than everything else because she poo-pooed it. Put a stop to this behavior immediately. Say, “Thanks for your input but, I would rather take what my body is comfortable with.” I’m always polite… I know they’re under pressure to prescribe less controlled medication but, I am very firm. Adopt this stance and it’ll work every time.
For anxiety:
I take hydroxyzine. This is a non-addictive med that is really affective for calm as well as sleep. Very important.
I smoke and eat pot. Daily. But, I have rules around it for myself so as not to be a “stoner” (lack of motivation is a spiral-trigger for ADHD folks). THC has been an absolute life saver. In the evenings, I eat gummy’s or hard candy supplements and smoke pre-rolled joints. Alcohol hits the nervous system hard. It’s really best to refrain. THC calms me and makes me return to my lighter self in the evenings. I can let go.
Meditation:
I don’t do traditional or specific forms. I just lay and try to focus on one thing at a time. I also use my hands and fingers to make “movements of removal”, I call them. (I also have fibromyalgia and I use this for pain). I actually lay on my back rather than sit and let my body slowly sink into the floor. I focus in and release then focus on an image and I pull the stress from my chest out to the floor over and over. It works.
For depression:
Good, old fashioned Prozac works best for me. It doesn’t allow you to hit the low low places but still allows you to feel.
Handling providers:
Do not allow your provider to talk you into taking something that doesn’t properly serve you. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF ALWAYS.
Don’t let any doctor belittle your symptoms! Tell them to refer you to someone who has experience with YOUR situation, not fit you into their judgments/ideals. Adderall is not a party drug for us. It’s a lifeline. At 56, I STILL have to defend my use of Adderall. Ridiculous.
Life around the house:
Help her to set up her house in a way that is organized!!! When your head is not organized, it helps immensely if your space is. She should have nice baskets around and lots and lots of hooks. I know it sounds funny but, this has been SO key for me. When I lose something, it’s an, “EVERYONE STOP AND LOOK FOR MY THINGS!” Situation. No one wants that. I have very large baskets and a little table with drawers around the place where I primarily sit.
I use those large, soft baskets for my clothes, a separate smaller basket for socks and one for underwear. No drawers for me.
The hooks replace a closet for me so that hangers are out of my life forever. Good riddance!
A WHITE BOARD!! If there’s a way to incorporate a large one in her space, it’s a game changer! It’s hers to scribble all the daily stuff, the future plans, etc. and it’s in your face so that the 1000 little notes everywhere don’t have to exist.
Talk to her about how she does things around the house and what might help her should pop out here and there for you to get ideas.
I’ve actually thought about a business for this because it took me a long time!!
People with ADHD can barely see around themselves at times because our heads are spinning, swirling or spiraling so, making sure things are in eyesight and easily manageable and cleanable is awesome. It helps to have a little, organized oasis in your world.
I went through graduate school… it can be done! When I applied to graduate school, I did so by completing one task a day. One. This one way of doing things has changed how I do almost everything. One. Thing. At. A. Time.
It’s the little things that matter the most.
Please DM me if you would like me to chat with her directly… or you. I’m more than happy to help.
The other thing that has helped with all of this is helping others’. It makes me feel better and teaches me .
wow. Thank you. That is a lot of information and clearly you have sorted so many helpful strategies for yourself. I really appreciate the time you took to share this. I will definitely share it with my girl directly and see if she is interested in a direct chat. I know what you mean about how helping others is a help to us. This is true in lots of situations, and I really relate to it. We pay it forward.
I hear you.. I just found this writer here.. I struggled all my life., a wise teacher noted my struggles in third grade the second year she had me as a student.. she sent me to the school psychologist.. I was so scared.. he recommended whatever he did then.. my mother turned them all down and I just shut down.. that teacher tried.. she gave me the lead in the class play.. it helped me to feel better for a bit.. but I struggled academically.. ( especially math.. mental block I was told.. just work harder!) Yelled at for my behavior and I shut down for a long time.. never got to college.. did do Nursing for almost 40 years.. but, once computers were used… always called out for poor time management and later written up for that.. .. burned out.. hurt my health and income.. finally after I lost my position and hurt and hurting I used that darn computer to do research on what only I knew to myself…. Talked to my medical doctor and sent for testing which confirmed what I experienced and struggled to.. I was 56 .. .. but, finally .. answers.. it did not have to be that way.. i feel like you.. makes me cry too.. i gave it my all.. those young woman are amazing.. ❤️
I went into nursing, too, and we still do paper charting so that helps me!! Can you believe there are so many of us??
YES YES YES!!!! They simply didn’t care — or said “it’s just perimenopause, it’s natural”.
This makes me so angry. “Oh it’s just those weird women’s hormones again.” 😡
Made me cry too 💕
I remember a college-rejection letter - ‘classic under-achiever’. WTF if I have high test scores and makes As in some classes would I CHOOSE do to poorly?? Boggles the mind.
Wow, “high achieving quitter” nails the description of my childhood through adulthood. I’ve never heard anyone describe it so well.
Me too. I feel so understood reading this l.
:) You are not alone!
Same. 🎯
I resemble this comment.
High achieving procrastinator elementary - HS, dropped out of a full ride to college, Major depressive disorder diagnosis in my late 20’s, ED NOS diagnosis in my 30’s and multiple anti-depressants to try to find the right fit.
At 50, a psychiatrist shared my ADHD diagnosis by starting with, “I’m so sorry no one told you this earlier in life…”
My PCP chalked everything up to depression and doesn’t believe the risks of hormones are worth the reward.
At 51 I had a major depressive episode that included passive intrusive thoughts and resulted in a round of TMS treatments which I felt guilty about!!
When insomnia started to creep back in, doctors said it was depression but I clapped back. After months of waiting for a referral (there is only one office in my state that offers diagnosis testing to adults) I opted for an online option my insurance covered and found a new doctor to talk to about hormones.
I’ve been on adhd meds coupled with therapy and estrogen for about 4 months now and the difference is life changing.
Be loud, you’re right about what you’re feeling and if your care providers don’t listen, find someone who will.
Ooooof. "High achieving quitter"
Oof. Wow. High achieving quitter. That landed. Hard. Thank you for sharing. Your experience only boosts my curiosity around hope for HRT to help me. Good luck to you.
I'm 65, and adhd has been my life long companion. The conservative parenting style of the 1960s and 1970s did not allow for neurdivergence; it wasn't really a thing and everything I ever did chaotically was put down to laziness, clumsiness and not maximizing potential.
I am currently tapering paxil, which I've taken for 6 years this month. I've improved my adhd dramatically through behavioral techniques, exercise and diet. It still kicks in with misplaced things, forgetting things and so on, but I also know that my adhd is my superpower for being very creative.
I want to hug every person who had to suffer with this iin childhood and the rest of life. My story leads me to say get help and get healthy. And love your creative, beautiful self. 🧡
I agree with this. I have a love/hate relationship with ADHD. It was the silent source of confusion and shame when I was young, but it has been a blessing in my adult life as an artist.
I’m 59 and just looking at my life through an ADHD lens. Oof. And my symptoms are worsening with age, divorce, stress and menopause
Hugs back at you
Diagnosed a year & 1/2 ago at age 55 - 2 years after my 2 HS aged kids were. I took adderall for a while but I'd get heart palps & w/my family's history of A-fib I thought I'd see if I could manage w/o. But it worked SO well, omg. If I can't get my shit together I may try to go back - I don't know. I do use cannabis to sleep & to manage the anxiety that comes w/ADHD but it's not perfect & I've been cutting back.
So, I'm left with strategies - and as I read more and more about different ways to address things like procrastination & lack of exec function, I realize that these techniques do work! If only I could consistently do them! So I try new things like telling family & friends about what I'm struggling with - giving myself some outside accountability. And just this week that helped me finish something that I started months ago! But it's still a struggle & it gets frustrating. I feel tired a lot and like I want a magic bullet to fix this, but I try to remind myself that I am new to the diagnosis and the pandemic/my kids graduating HS wiped out a huge portion of my routine, which it turns out I desperately need.
But w/the continued struggles has come a ton of new realizations about myself bc I finally have the proper framework with which to examine my behavior. I've learned that I can be really really REALLY bad at estimating time & that I do need to be intentional about keeping myself busy/interested or else my brain will stop caring & tune out and there is almost nothing I can do to stop that from happening in the moment.
Most of all though I am profoundly grateful that I found out because ultimately what the diagnosis gave me was a way to begin to stop hating myself for all the times I fucked up & couldn't figure out why, so I decided I was a broken, terrible person. And that has been life-altering, in the best sense of the word.
Thanks for the opportunity to share - I appreciate you.
Hi! Just wanted to say that Adderall did the same to me. Fortunately, if I take a low dose of methylphenidate it doesn’t seem to cause the heart palpitations. If the dosage goes up too high sometimes I do experience the palpitations, so for now my doctor and I keep it at a low dosage. Also, there are non stimulant ADHD medications that might work for you. I have thought about trying them if the methylphenidate stops working for me. Good luck!
Yes!! Regular dose has worked well tried the XR version and WHOA - ended up in the hospital having my heart restarted. XR needs to be handled with extreme caution. Not sure its meant for women in peri or menopause where heart palps are side effects to begin with. I am back to regular low dose with no issues.
Yes!!! I was on regular adderall with miraculous results. I’m 52 now. After 5 years my doc switched me to XR version for some vague reason. I had palpitations and felt speedy and angry alll the time. I switched to another doctor 4 years ago and have been on 20mg twice daily with no issues.
GenXer w/ ADHD out here with some hopeful news: Adderall isn’t the only option out there. It wasn’t a fit for me either, and after trying several different stimulants and non-stimulants, I landed on Vyvanse and it has been a game changer for me. (And its generic version is now on the market. ) Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist/pharmacologist and ask them to prescribe something else until you find the one that helps you most. It may take some time, but us women with ADHD have black belts in resilience 💪🏻
I was just diagnosed two months ago at age 49 after my marriage counselor said she thought I had it. That’s crazy, I thought, couldn’t be me.
I think I just coped all these years. Then, the same week everything shut down in 2020, my 6-year-old was diagnosed with ADHD. Over the past four years my ability to focus and just to power through has seriously eroded. It’s impacted my job most critically but my home life too. Compulsive spending and overeating, anyone? Not officially in perimenopause yet but I’d be shocked if that wasn’t driving the pronounced symptoms too.
I’ve been prescribed meds but there’s still that national shortage. But I’m really curious to see if it helps. I can’t believe how much of a thing this is for Gen X and now it’s specifically my thing!
Thank you for writing this- I feel
less alone now! I’ve suspected for several years that undiagnosed ADHD was the culprit behind my chronic tardiness, inability to finish projects, forgetfulness, distractibility when trying to read books or long articles, hyper-focus on certain tasks or projects, and what I perceive as my “failure to live up to my potential” (though from the outside I don’t think I’m perceived that way). My brain has gotten even more foggy since I went through early menopause at 47. Even my teen/tween kids have started to say, “mom, you should really get diagnosed.” Last week I decided I definitely need to seek help after breaking down in tears when I couldn’t find orders for bloodwork I need to manage a thyroid disorder. My forgetfulness has negatively affected my career, my relationships, and is literally affecting my health!
I’m sorry for your struggles Shannon, & all you other commenters. It is a comfort to know we’re in this together.
Get the diagnosis! I can't tell you why but even after my 2 teens got diagnosed it still didn't even enter my mind that I could have it until they said (just like yours!), "uh, mom? We think you have it too." It was LIFE CHANGING.
Same. I didn't think I needed a diagnosis, and I had NO IDEA how life-changing just that would be, let alone the world of resources it opened up. Also, I assumed I had mild Inattentive, and learned I actually have moderate to severe Combo - which also opened up a new world to me. There was so much I didn't know, and therefore didn't understand about myself. I also never knew RSD was a thing, and when I learned about it, I burst into tears because it explained SO. MUCH. that I've never understood about myself (and that others didn't understand about me). Gosh. Just so much there (re:diagnosis and information - it's like opening a fire hose.
That’s what my daughter said to me too after she was diagnosed at 30. I still haven’t sought a diagnosis but a using several strategies to manage it. I plan to get an evaluation mostly for validation.
I have a thyroid disorder also and that adds to the brain fog and forgetfulness. I think you will feel so much better when you get diagnosis and treatment. If nothing else, you'll understand that this is a medical issue and not a personal flaw. Good luck!
Me too! Hashimotos?
Yep! 25 years ago I got the diagnosis.
Me too! I have hashimoto!
56. Diagnosed ADHD inattentive last year after the death of my husband. I have become a woman I don't recognize. The brain fog is the worst. I had a mental health emergency in March and I'm finally taking my mental health seriously for the first time in my life.
I’m so sorry ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was diagnosed in 2020 and my husband died last year. It really does feel like the grief takes up all my executive function.
Trauma and ADHD have a lot of overlapping symptoms, including inability to focus and other EF skills. So sorry for your loss.
As we speak, I’m writing a paper for a psychology final (I’m a 48yo college student)on — get this — women and adhd/why have we been overlooked…
I really managed fairly well just by coping — though anxiety and some depression have been always present. Having my 3rd child in 2009 was the tipping point for me — things just got harder there, but still, I pushed through. Over the last 4-6 years, with perimenopause joining the fun, my distractibility, foggy brain, and scatterbrain-ness has gone into overdrive. I often joked about having adhd, but never sought help. (For the record — I’m pretty sure my husband is SUPER neurotypical, one kid is diagnosed AudDHD (autism & adhd), and my other 2 are likely adhd as well. When I finally did mention it to my doctor it still took almost a year for her to say — yeah see a psychiatrist. When I was finally working with a psychiatrist, being evaluated (SO VALIDATING!!), and ultimately on Adderall + therapy, things turned around. This is a real problem for us GenX-ers. I could never be a successful student without the treatment program — I’m finally close to getting my BS. I dropped out of college at 21 with 75+ credits because I just couldn’t handle a course load plus working full time. Now — I’m so close!
Full disclosure— I am also on hormone replacement therapy. Thanks, Perimenopause.
Teri
Thank you for writing about this! I feel so validated in your words and those of the women commenting. I was not diagnosed until my mid 40’s and as I look back I feel cheated and angry. There were so many signs; I didn’t speak until I was 3 yrs old, inattentive, detrimental procrastination even though I was and am normally such a compliant rule follower, stimming (hair twirler like my Dad among other things), hyper focus on things that I was interested in, always in trouble for being too talkative with my friends in class, anxiety, and intermittent depression, the list goes on. I also know I suffer from dyscalculia. I somehow was able to manage with strict routines and coping strategies, so I wouldn’t forget anything, which led to control issues and more anxiety. I wasn’t able to finish college, it was too overwhelming with working full time. My kids were diagnosed with ADHD (ironically although they are both adopted) and then eventually Autism and, through my journey with them, I began to recognize my struggles and see how neurodiversity ran throughout my family. Through it all I managed, until I couldn’t. Peri menopause started early and then menopause and with the pressures of advocating for services and benefits and school supports for my kids (that is an entire other journey/nightmare) and being the one to handle the executive functioning responsibilities for my kids and my ADHD husband (he was diagnosed as a young boy), I broke. And now at 52, I’m trying to put the pieces back together and continue to take care of my kids and it all feels so defeating most of the time. Hormones and medication have helped some and talk therapy was so enlightening and helpful, before my insurance stopped covering it. It’s been a journey and it feels so lonely. So I appreciate this conversation and I think it is so important for our children , especially girls today. It is what drove me to advocate so hard for my daughter and my son, and eventually as an IEP advocate for other children. Hyper focus does pay off sometimes! Also, I want to say that while reading your piece I had a light bulb moment, prior I understood masking as it pertained to Autism, but for some reason I never applied it to ADHD or to myself, and I now realize that is what I have done my whole life. It is changing my perspective of myself and my struggles and I feel an amazing amount of grace and empathy for myself with this newfound knowledge. Thank you!
You are soooo not alone!! We are your people 🩷
You are so not alone.
“Executive Function Responsibilities” - Thank you for that term!!!
This is so incredibly spot on.
I’ve not been diagnosed but after reading so much about inattentive adhd and math dyslexia, it describes so much of what I have experienced.
My issues caused me to drop out of college, which has led to a lifetime of judgement and shame as literally the only person without a degree in my family.
I made it work and ended up working in a sales environment but then got married and have been a stay at home mom to 4 kids.
My anxiety was through the roof as my kids were growing up - my time management is non existent so I am 1/2 hour early to everything and have a severe fear of not having enough time so only thinking I can accomplish a few things a day.
Now going through menopause, I am doing hormone therapy and that has helped but my self esteem is nonexistent.
I’m thankful that my husband and kids are a dream so it’s easy to hide but I struggle daily with even wanting to leave the house some days.
I could write an entire novel as to how this has affected my life
Wow! I relate to everything everything you’re saying!! Hang in there!!
I’m an “elder-millennial” “xennial” with a birthday in 1983 and I was just diagnosed with ADHD this past month. I’ve see therapists and psychiatrists since I was FIVE—always for generalized anxiety and then panic disorder. My therapist likened it to a pot of noodles that’s been cooked and then congealed-we’re just pulling them apart! I have definitely had some feelings of grief and an identity crisis. So many things now “make sense.”
I was born in 1987, we started looking at ADHD diagnosis when my oldest was getting a lot of incident reports shortly after the birth of my second kid at the end of 2019. Once we started to learn more it became clear to me that my husband and I both had ADHD. None of us are on meds still but I often wonder if we weren’t self employed and able to set our own schedules how much harder it would be.
“my separation anxiety made me flee friends’ sleepovers in the middle of the night” !!!!!!! I did this! I was also diagnosed w ADHD as an adult. When I told my stepmother this she said ‘but you were so organized—I’ve never seen such an organized child.’ Of course that’s a classic symptom of girls/women w ADHD. I struggled so much w school and didn’t start thriving until I started working. It’s enraging how girls and women are IGNORED by the medical establishment—when will it stop.
Thanks for your work on this Shannon — this is really important research. It’s quite shocking to see comments from so many women who have shared this experience, as it’s such a lonely one. Diagnosis in my early 40s has changed my life, but has also been very destabilising; it turned the volume way up on the awful negative messaging which had been playing in my head since I was a child. I had been repeatedly told that I was lazy, that I “wasn’t trying” and that I was a procrastinator. I internalised all of this and it festered, becoming chronic anxiety and debilitating depression. With my diagnosis, suddenly I could hear all that messaging for what it was, but the grief that came with this realisation has been enormous.
I feel this to my core. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried on my way to something because I’m going to be late despite spending days planning for it.
The shame is huge and real….but also just some bitch in our head who suffers from faulty programming.
Hugs to you❤️❤️
🩷🩷
I’m a Gen X-er going through my ADHD diagnosis in my early 50’s after my Gen Z daughter was diagnosed aged 20. I relate to so much of this !
Another one of your brilliant articles where you bring light to what women our age are dealing with!
I was diagnosed at 43. I could manage* juggling it all when it was just me (but with a ton of stress of last minute deadlines and many to do lists), but it was too hard to juggle everything when I had to manage three children who all had adhd. I just couldn’t keep up and that’s when I was diagnosed. I was so thankful to my primary care and ENT who in 2012 (!) both asked me if I’ve ever considered that I might have adhd.
*manage, not thrive
I have always, always, always lived with the constant guilt that comes with forgetting things. I had internalized my mother’s words of “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” that she’d say whenever I’d tell her how sorry I was for not doing what she asked. She is 91 now and moved into my house 18 months ago. Through living together and talking about adhd brains, she now understands that it isn’t intentional, and that I am harder on myself than she ever was. She doesn’t ever say it to me anymore ❤️
A wonderful therapist once told me that in Buddhism it’s the intention that matters, not the outcome. That knowledge has helped me begin to heal.
This is me. I'm going to be 52 and was diagnosed at age 49. If I had been diagnosed earlier in life, things would have been so different for me. I still struggle with how to manage it (I'm on Vyvanse, which helps), but man it is hard.
I’m 49 and waiting for a diagnosis. It is so hard, made much harder with perimenopause 😕