Divorce on your terms with Lyz Lenz

A Q&A about not needing the permission to change your life

Connect with Lyz:

Men Yell at Me

on Substack

Lyz is a New York Times bestselling author, whose writing has appeared in The Washington Post, the Columbia Journalism Review, The New York Times, and others. Her book God Land was published in 2019, through Indiana University Press. Her second book Belabored, was published in 2020 by Bold Type Books. Lyz’s essay “All the Angry Women” was also included in the anthology Not that Bad edited by Roxane Gay.  Her third book, This American Ex-Wife, published in 2024.  She is also the host of the This American Ex-Wife podcast and writes the newsletter “Men Yell at Me.”

---

Your newest book, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life, came out at the beginning of the year and is about the advantages of getting divorced. Tell us about how this book came to be and why you think the topic is important for women.

I left my 12 year marriage in the end of 2017. And I found myself, in an empty rented house in 2018, after the holidays, alone, assembling cheap furniture and listening to a true-crime podcast at 2am. And I kept waiting to feel like this big, awful, loser divorcee, but I didn’t. I realized that even though I was broke I was incredibly happy. Because I had 50/50 custody, I suddenly had more free time to work. My house was cleaner because I wasn’t picking socks off the floor. I wasn’t stressed about dinner anymore because it was just me and the kids and we could do whatever we wanted. I hadn’t left my marriage thinking that life as a single mom would be so much easier, but despite having no money, it was. And I felt like I’d discovered a secret.

Then, two things happened. I wrote about how now that I was divorced I wasn’t cooking for a man again. And that article, on Glamor, went viral. And I heard from so many many married women who felt the same as me, that the little labors were adding up and their partners didn’t see them or care about them. I realized it wasn’t just me, this was so many women had gotten married thinking they were getting equal partners, but what they got were men texting them because they couldn’t find ketchup at the store. And they breaking under the weight of all the little labors.

Then, the shutdowns of 2020 happened and we broke. America broke. All the Rube Goldbergian contraptions that we’d erected to make our lives have a semblance of equality (house cleaning, babysitting, daycare, school), were ripped away. And women became the social safety net and we broke. That’s when I knew I had a book. And I began researching and I found out that the data supported everything I was seeing. That husbands add seven hours of domestic labor per week to their wife’s workload, while she takes away labor from his. And single mothers have more free time than their married counterparts even if they have sole custody.

Divorced women are often stereotyped as sad, angry, and lonely. How do we get past that idea and show that divorce can benefit women?

I have never met a divorced woman like this. I think the stereotypes exist as a projection of what the patriarchy thinks we must be when we leave a marriage. But every woman I know who has left a marriage is so happy it’s behind her. She’s thriving. 

And I think it’s terrifying to the power structures that exist that women can throw off these cultural norms and find freedom, and reclaim their lives and their time, and their power. I think we get past the cultural stereotypes by writing new stories. By sharing our stories. And creating new narratives of what “happily ever after” looks like.

For women who want to get divorced, but are afraid to take that next step, what advice do you have for them?

I was so afraid to let go of my marriage. I had worked so hard for it. We had children. I didn’t feel like I had any earning potential. I was going to lose our house.

But I knew I could be happy or I could be married. I could write my books and pursue my dreams, or be married. Something had to give. And I would not give myself up for a marriage. I would not die on that cross. I’d seen what staying together had cost my own mother and I wasn’t going to do that. So, I finally let go and it felt like I was falling into a dark hole. But when I landed, I realized how free I’d been. That what was holding me back was the fear. And once I let it go, I was able to be myself in a way I’d never been able to. My whole life, I’d been a good daughter, good student, good wife, good mother. Letting go of all of that made me realize what a trap it had all been.

My dear friend Anna told me once, “Your life is not a game of chicken, you don’t have to wait for someone else to blink first. You can swerve now.”

Your newsletter,

Men Yell at Me

, "sits at the intersection of patriarchy and politics in red state America." When women read your newsletter, what do you hope they take away from it?

I want my newsletter to feel like my books do. Like sitting down with your mouthy friend and talking about life and politics. I want it to be challenging, affirming, funny, and insightful. I want it to inspire people to see red states a little differently. I don’t want people to keep writing off this flyover land. I want people to see that we are here, we are working, we are thinking, and we are fighting. And we are having a hell of a lot of fun doing it.

What kind of conversations do you hope your book and newsletter will start among women?

There are so many books and advice manuals out there that give us more tasks to do. More work to do. I want my book to encourage women to let go. The world is still full of choices. Make some of them. Build life in a new way and don’t be scared to do it. No one is coming to save us. We have to save ourselves. So that’s what I want, I want women to say, “How do I save myself?” And once, they get themselves saved, I want them to use that power and put it into making the world a better place. It’s not enough to put on your own oxygen mask, you have to help those around you. So, I want people reading my newsletter to read it and think, “Okay, how do I save the places I love? How do I fight better? How do we do this better?”

---

My upcoming book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age, is now available for preorder! This book is my guide to figuring out what lights you up and will show you how to live on fire every day. Click here to preorder and get locked into some incredible bonuses.