In a world that wants women to want less, embracing desire is a radical act

Too many women believe they're too old, too busy, or too inexperienced to go after what they really want, but none of that is true

I hope I die

warmed

by the life that I tried

to live

Nikki Giovanni, The Collected Poetry, 1968-1998

Think back to when you were little. As far back as you can remember. And now think about all of the ways—overt and subtle—that, as a young girl, you were told or shown you should behave. Maybe you got the message that you should be a good student. Or that you should be selfless. Or that you should stay small (literally and figuratively). That you should be “good,” quiet, nice, grateful, happy… Growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, I was told I should be less opinionated. That I should be more polite. That I should look more feminine. That I should wear dresses instead of pants.

Society bombards girls with so many shoulds that it’s not surprising that by the time we’re women, those shoulds become obligations that hijack our desires. And I don’t just mean our sexual desires, but our innate craving to unearth and explore all of the things that make us come alive—to feel like we’re empowered, contributing, and growing. An insidious list of shoulds take root in our minds and in our lives, becoming so intractable that we begin to believe they’re immovable facts of life. We tamp down our burning desires and turn our lives into a list of to-do’s. And we come to believe we’re not worthy of the time, money, or space we need to cultivate and pursue our desires. And we start to think—especially by midlife—that if we haven’t yet realized our passion or talent, we must not have or deserve one.

This is a phenomenon Dr. Amy Diehl, a workplace gender bias expert, refers to as “self-limited aspirations.” It’s what happens when women decide it’s not worth the drain on their energy, time, or mental health to take that next step forward. In other words, they decide it’s easier to acquiesce than to fight against a system set up to ensure they fail: “Women look around and see all the difficulties other women around them are having, and then they make the very rational choice to give up.” But women don’t fear their fire because they’re ­ weak— it’s because they’re wise. They know there’s a price to be paid for being a woman who wants more.

Society purposely puts up immovable obstacles to block you at every turn. That’s because society knows exactly what would happen if women were allowed or encouraged to want: The world would come undone. Without the mental and physical energy of women propping up the system, governments would fall, institutions would crumble, and traditional family systems would fall apart. To ensure that doesn’t happen, society shoulders women with so many burdens and responsibilities— from work to housework to ­caregiving—that they have little to no room in their lives to explore their desires.

Like so many women, I spent the first half of my life fulfilling all of shoulds that were doled out to me. Instead of pushing back, I stayed too long in a marriage that wasn’t right for me; I climbed the corporate ladder and “leaned in,” regardless of the costs to me and my family; I owned the housework and childcare; I stayed busy and productive; I made it a priority to fit into a size four. But all that changed when, at age 41, when my soul was insulted by a horrific mass school shooting, and I could no longer tolerate living a life of shoulds. I finally followed my desires, and that led to the creation of the largest women-led nonprofit in the nation.

And it wasn’t because I’m any braver or smarter or more talented than any other woman. I’m an introvert who has struggled with severe ADHD and a debilitating fear of public speaking and, at the time, knew little to nothing about politics, organizing, or gun violence. Not exactly the description of someone people would point to and say, “She should take on the most powerful, wealthy special interest that’s ever existed.” And yet, that’s exactly what happened. Despite a myriad of imperfections and a lack of preparedness, I found the courage to step up. In the face of obstacles that seemed ­insurmountable, I persevered.

And for over a decade, I led an army of women into battle against the gun industry, and together, we passed hundreds of gun safety laws, stopped the gun industry’s agenda in statehouses 90 percent of the time, elected thousands of candidates who supported commonsense gun reform to office, including our own volunteers; and passed the first federal gun legislation in a generation. Turns out, this neurodiverse, reserved, middle-aged mom in the Midwest was exactly the right person for the job.

I’m not a unicorn. Every woman—no matter their age—can do the same. But first, we have to overcome internal and external obstacles, including the belief that we’re not worthy, that we’re too busy, that we’re not qualified, or—God forbid—that we might fail. I write about how to dismantle these beliefs and fears in my upcoming book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age, I wrote FIRED UP because I want all women to learn how to stop limiting their aspirations and start imagining what life would be like if the only question you asked yourself was, “What do I want?”

Too many of us are living on autopilot. We believe we’re too old, too busy, or too inexperienced to go after what we really want. But none of that is true. Our fire starts where all of our shoulds end. And in a world that wants women to make themselves smaller and smaller until they disappear, making a conscious choice to evade your obligations and embrace your desire is a radical, even political, act.

If you want to read more about how to come alive, pre-order FIRED UP now and receive an early chapter from my book. Other bonuses include admission to “Firestarter school,” a year-long, online community that will guide readers through various aspects of learning how to come alive, beginning in September 2025.

In the comments below, tell me more about the shoulds that are standing in the way of living a fuller life, and let me know your answer to the question, “What do I want to do that I haven’t yet done?”

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My upcoming book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age, is now available for preorder! This book is my guide to figuring out what lights you up and will show you how to live on fire every day. Click here to preorder and get locked into some incredible bonuses.