In February, I wrote about my year of following the advice of experts to make friends. This piece resonated with so many of you and your struggles to make friends, especially in adulthood (and thank you for all of the notes offering to be my friend!).This part, in particular, seems to have struck a chord with you: “Being vulnerable also means not giving up when a friendship doesn’t work out. In one instance, I thought I’d made a good friend only to realize they didn’t like me as much as I liked them. And then, I watched on Instagram as they shared photos from a party they hosted that I wasn’t invited to. I felt like I was back in eighth grade, and that experience helped me understand how my own kids felt growing up and feeling excluded when they saw people getting together without them online.”
I’ll be writing more about friendship in the coming months, and I want to hear from you: What tips do you have for making and keeping friends? Have you ever been ghosted or left out? What would you tell other women about making friends in midlife? How do you balance investing in your friendships with all of the other things on your plate?
I don't have an answer to any of the questions above. I seem to be in a period of trying to figure out where I stand with some friends and where I want to be. It's been tough and truthfully, I feel rather lonely right now, and like I don't really have any friends at all. It's likely just a phase and I'll be ok. But it's been interesting to think about...
Susi, I feel exactly the same way. I told my husband recently that I feel like I have no one who I could ask to meet for a cup of coffee or just a chat. It’s terribly lonely. Hopefully we will both work though this phase.
Yes. That’s exactly it. The friends that I have need to pencil me into their busy schedules to meet. There’s no one who’s up for an impromptu get together like a cup of coffee.
I have made friends by volunteering with local organizations. For me, the main organization is the Sustainability Committee in my city. We have monthly meetings but do projects and initiatives outside of the meetings, and many have become friends. I also ask friends to go to yoga, walking & exercise classes. Exercise isn't just a one-time thing, so exercising together and talking before, during and after classes is a ton of fun and one of my main social activities. What about volunteering for local things where you are? Whatever interests you. League of Women voters? A local knitting club? Or email your neighbors and form your own Book Club that meets every 6 weeks or so? So many things, and I bet people will love getting your invitation. Sure, not everyone will come. But the ones who do will be the more important ones who are also open to new friendships and relationships.
I’m experiencing a similar phase. I have a “core” group of women I Attend events with and spend time with but lately I feel like I’m on the outside of that circle. Although I have plenty of acquaintances I can grab coffee with I don’t have any immediate intimate girlfriends I feel I can turn to in a time of need, or just cuddle up with and watch a great movie, except one who lives on the other side of the country.
I had many friends until I deconstructed my childhood and young adulthood fundamental Christian background. Then they left one by one in various ways. It really hurt to see one post pictures on FB of a birthday trip she did with the other two without me. I had been invited to previous get togethers with them and initiated some of the activities myself but it was clear I was not welcome after I (painfully) stepped away from all the toxic religiously. I had even reached out for discussions on helping to process all of this but was told by one close friend “I don’t have time for that. I have to read my Bible and pray every day.” 💔
I am struggling to find like minded people in my area since it’s saturated with fundamentalist/authoritarian folks. It will probably come with time. Thankfully I do have my sister, my partner and my daughter!
I have hesitation seeking out more friends at this point since I feel my life is at the point of busyness that I like and I have had too many experiences of toxic relationships.
I am a freelance writer & have recently been pitching an article about adult female friendship breakups (not picked up yet, lol). I've had 3 big friend breakups in my lifetime - one in middle school, one in college and one recently (in my 40s). The adult friend breakup in my 40s is by far the hardest. We are both at fault - but it has been devastating and weird, confusing, heartbreaking. On the positive, it has opened me up to new female friendships that feel much healthier. Sometimes, I guess, it's just time to move on.
I understand the adult friendship breakup scenario. Happened in my late 40s with my best friend of 25 years. Heartbreaking for sure, but over time it has become more of a dull ache than outright pain.
The adult friend breakup is something that I'm familiar with as well. I still think about it even though it's been several years now. Every time his birthday rolls around I feel something akin to guilt. This guy was in my wedding party. We had so much fun together through college and in the years after for awhile, until it wasn't fun anymore. It was just work. Our journeys in personal growth were not in alignment. I know the breakup was for the best but I question what it says about me that I wasn't able to make it work. Hard to let go of the sense of loyalty. The opening up for new relationships where there's a much stronger sense of give and take with friends who are caring listeners and who share my values, has been worth the giving up of relationships that were just not working out. I feel like that big breakup has allowed me to move on more quickly when things aren't working out. The motivation to move on is stronger because it allows me to stay open to people where there is that sense when we're together or in conversation that 1 plus 1 makes more than 2. I think I had a tendency to seek out relationships that were difficult based on my family history growing up. I was accustomed to working really hard for love and connection and looked for people to create that with me. I'm better able now to appreciate connection that happens more organically with a reciprocity that feels deeply good. I can't do superficial so I have to limit my connections and have lots of alone time to recharge. Being 45 ain't so bad. The increased self-knowledge is such a relief.
I’m not good at keeping friends, only seem to be able to handle one or two through various life stages. My husband is really good at it and sometimes I worry all our friends are ‘his’ friends. It’s something I’d like to work on.
After being inspired by Michelle Obama in “Becoming” when she said - it is ok to embrace being the organizer and not waiting for her friends to step up, I have embraced that role for myself. It has made all the difference and switched the power from others to myself. Friendships take energy and there always needs to be someone willing to take the lead on that. It’s ok if that is you :)
I have always had a circle of women friends. Not just one-on-one friends but a group. Both are so valuable, but I probably value the circle more. There is something about getting together as a group — the camaraderie, the connections, the just plain fun of it.
I've had more than one such group. I moved around in my 20s (young reporter) and established a group with each new town. I slowed down a bit after 30, but still, there's been three more groups. (I'm 68, now.) My current one is going on ten years. Some linger after I relocate, but some fade away — and that's OK.
One of the benefits of a group is that we share the work of maintaining the friendships. It's OK if some of us aren't as close as we are to others. It allows me to connect with people I might not have much in common with otherwise. I think women need connection — I once had a prof (a long time ago) who said men build militaries and women hold quilting bees. The world would be better off with more quilting bees and fewer armies. In these times, that's particularly true — women's abilities to connect and collaborate are needed.
I had a little clique going in elementary school but slowly we drifted when we went to different middle and high schools. I bumped into one in undergrad and FB friends with her and another. We all live in different cities and are moms to kids ranging from 5 to 15! I spent a year of middle school abroad due to my dad’s work and that year away was horrible for me. It was hard to make friends and it probably triggered some social anxiety and made making friends at yet another school tougher. 30+ years later, it still is.
You are so not alone, Cynthia. I’m unsure it’s easy to make friends beyond those young years where we just live and play and have less concerns about who we are in the world. We just see someone having fun or sitting alone or whatever, and we just walk on over and say ‘hi’. We need to get some of that back. Hugs, Marina
I'm my 30s, my family relocated from CA to AZ to MD and back to CA. As a result, I feel like my heart is spread all over the country. In my 40s, I went through the coactive coaching program and felt like I found my people. Most of my closest friends now are coaches - we go deep, get to the heart of matters, and support each other in stretching in new directions.
As an immigrant family member, it has been challenging to build friendships in the US. Many women here tend to judge others based on appearances, connections, religion, and politics. Without the multicultural communities that I have been fortunate to either be part of or help create, I would still question my worthiness as a friend, especially since many of the white women that befriended me seemed to value me primarily for my jobs, the opportunities I could provide or the “white presenting minority” tokenism they used me for.
It took me years to realize that my friendships with women like that were often based on convenience and racism, serving to boost the self-esteem of insecure white women who lacked strong identities and were overly reliant on the opinions and acceptance of white racist and misogynistic men. It helped me to understand racism better as it can be about abusive control of environments and keeping those who are perceived as inferior oppressed and isolated.
True friendship is built on trust and respect, which requires an understanding and appreciation of different cultures, including those of international, BIPOC and immigrant women. Friends or no friends, if we uplift the voices of women fighting for the dignity of all women, we have made friends with ourselves.
Happy International Day of Women and people who identify as women 2024!
I love your vulnerable heart, Polly! Thank you for sharing your reality… so much truth in this… we see it every day, right? The dignity of all women is the goal now and for as long as it takes. Sending hugs, Marina
Be open, be kind, embrace uncertainty, and when in doubt ask the people you click with for coffee, chances are they are seeking connection too. Connection requires vulnerability, we are all worthy of connection and friendship and love.
I definitely feel these comments- I moved internationally at 39 and found it hard to make friends and keep the old ones.Im now 45 and don’t have children and find it very hard to make new friends. I’ve always had a small group of friends because of being more private and I find that has made it hard for me to trust. I also have found myself craving friends that want to participate in conversations about what’s happening in the world or environment and it’s like no one wants to have deeper conversations. It’s definitely an interesting place we are at from a societal perspective.
That is a fact, Sogol. I suppose not many people want to go deep because they’re trying to take the crazy things going on right now in small doses. I hope you find the ones that do. Hugs, Marina
I have some basic rules I follow. First, the prospective friend needs to make me feel good about myself. I ask myself questions: Am I feeling respected? Listened to? Criticized? Shamed? Are they honest? Do they only talk about themselves and never ask how I am and what’s going on in my life? Do they gossip? If so, know they are also talking about me to others. And I check to see if they are bringing out the best in me. Do I get defensive or competitive with them? Do I feel energized or depleted by their company? Do I feel I can be honest with them or do I have to check myself before I speak and keep my guard up? You get the idea.
I was just thinking about community the other day, and feeling that I don't really have one. I have many acquaintances, and I do have some close friends, but it's extremely difficult to see them and spend any quality time with them on a regular basis. Our schedules are a nightmare. Because I've uprooted multiple times in my life and moved to places where I didn't know anyone, I've become fairly adept at what I call "blind friend dates." I just ask someone out for tea or coffee or a walk, usually someone I've met in a few yoga classes or through a work event. Once I even befriended someone I trained to take my job when making a career switch. I'm honest and say I'm trying to get to know more people, you seem nice, want to hang out? People have always seemed a little taken off guard, but they almost always say yes, and we always have a nice time chatting, even if it only happens once. Sometimes it doesn't last, but 3 of my closest friends in my current location all resulted from the blind friend dates. What I realized is that I had to take the lead. If I was drawn to someone, it worth an ask. Often I had to lead, to be the one responsible for engaging, but when I found someone who was then also willing to put in some effort, our acquaintanceship often grew into a friendship. It takes time and trial and error, but it's been worth it. Still, even with these amazing people in my life, I am often alone and lonely. And I think they are too. Our lives in the current world order are not structured to foster community and connectedness, and like so much self care and ways to refuel, spending time with people is back-burnered for higher, seemingly more important priorities like work. I have been ghosted and left out, and it hurts. I also try to remember that it may not be as personal as it feels. We are all dealing with so much. I also know how much I appreciate when someone reaches out to me, so I try to challenge myself to reach out for others. Even those tiny points of connection like an email, text, quick phone call, can really lift out spirits.
Love that you’ve made good connections via your ‘blind friend dates’… think I’m going to try that. Just moved to a new city so that’s a thing, right? Making new friends feels a bit rougher that when I was younger, but I’m up for the challenge. Sending hugs, Marina
I don't have tips or really anything you asked for, but I am so appreciative that your question gives me space to say something that I really struggle with, even when I'm almost 60 years old. There are "inner circles" that people have that I see on social media (I realize this is part of the issue!) ... and I sometimes feel FOMO that I'm not in these inner circles even though I have a lovely, fruitful, supportive inner circle of my own. In the particular case that gets my goat the most, it's a situation where I went to the same fitness place for years. Technically, I followed the same fitness person through several venues. Along the way, we all developed a community with each other. We celebrated success and grieved losses. We raised money for community causes. I ended up doing some freelance work for the person's PR business. I felt like I was closer to the "friend" side of the spectrum than the "it's just business" side. But it became clear over time, especially when she discontinued her fitness biz, that it was never a friendship. I *know* that intellectually the answer has something to do with "inner circles grow organically and you can't make it happen" but I still ... with the little clutch of women who go everywhere together (it feels like), were involved in the person's wedding/invited to it, etc. ... I have to be honest that something about being left out of it hurts. Doesn't make sense, but it sure feels good to get it off my chest, so thank you! <3
This makes sense to me, Paula. Of course being left out hurts, especially since you have history. Speaking for myself, and likely some others… a lot of others… I would feel the same way. Sending wishes that the sting will lessen and you’ll realize it has nothing to do with you, because you are worthy of all good things, as we all are. Hugs, Marina
This is such a lovely, empathic response, Marina. I appreciate it. I can't really blog about it, because so many people in my social world would recognize the people involved. It was therapeutic just to have a place to safely get this off my chest. Take good care.
I was over 40 before I experienced true supportive friendship from women. All my friendships before were situational or transactional. I love the circles of close women I have formed.
Up until a couple of years ago I would have said I had no trouble making friends. But I moved to a community that has more families and commuters and, since the pandemic, a lot of other new people also figuring it out. That last group should be a good place to find new friends but I don’t run in the same socio-economic group and have felt the sting of being uninvited to gatherings (after first being invited).
I don’t know what the answer is, but I have been more open to time for old friends and phone calls and weekend visits. I’ve also been digging in to this time to do some more healing and growing as a human. It’s not as fun as a happy hour with friends, but very necessary.
Overall I’m calling this a gap year while I decide where to move and what the next few years will look like - and who will be there when I sort it out.
I adore and deeply treasure my friendships. I struggled in middle and high school with feeling like I truly belonged and was so excited for a fresh start at college. I felt like I really learned how to be and develop friendships during my college years. I did not join a sorority at heavily-Greek Mizzou, but through other campus involvement I found friends who not only loved me for who I was, but celebrated my achievements and had my back. Those women and men are still dear friends today, even if many of us don’t see each other often. My experience at Mizzou gave me faith that if I brought my true, authentic self to the table, I would find lasting friendship. As I moved on to law school in Virginia, first jobs in ATX, and returning back to Missouri and starting a family, I have found at least 1-2 friends at each stop. More recently, that has included my Moms Demand Action friends in Kansas City, in Missouri, and across the country. My Northland KC Moms Demand Action friends helped elect me to our local school board, and we have worked so hard together on gun violence prevention. But even if that all went away, we love spending time together and I’m so grateful for them as neighbors and friends. My closest Mizzou girlfriends have remained essential in life. They were bridesmaids in my wedding 7 years after we graduated. We have seen each other through fertility struggles, marital issues, career frustrations and successes, the death of parents, and now turning 50. In fact, two of them flew in from DC and Houston to surprise me for my 50th birthday. I have often said that I wished I could live in a town with all my friends, but social media has allowed me to keep up with people near and far. I think authentic friendship requires you to bring your authentic self to the table and to see the good and the not-so-good in your friend and love them anyway. I also think it’s ok to have friendships that are more intense during particular seasons of life and then naturally fade a bit. I always try to presume positive intent and that no one sees themselves as the villain in their own story. And I find Ted Lasso’s “be curious, not judgmental” is incredible advice for friendship and pretty much everything else.
Your story of friendship is so beautiful, Karen. And deep. Authenticity is the only way to go for sure, and I love that you quoted Ted Lasso, one of so many quotes I love from that show. Sending hugs, Marina
It wasn't until I got sober and joined a recovery community that I finally found true friendship. I have 5 women in my life that would drop anything for me and me them. We laugh so hard when we're together, care deeply about what happens in each other's lives, are there to support one another through it all. I have so much gratitude for these women, their friendship, and all the great things in my life because of recovery. ❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏
Was just texting with a childhood friend who I'm still in touch with. I keep my old friends though thick and thin, luckily none of them have gone to the dark side.
Sometimes we go months without talking and often I keep in touch with other friends through social media, but occasionally we get together or get in the phone and its like all the months and miles fall away.
Making new friends is fun but it takes effort. My newest friend is 82 and I'm 62. We enjoy hanging out.
I have felt so lonely since having kids a few years ago. My husband used to tease me that I had too many friends and now I feel like almost all these relationships have evaporated (well, the local ones anyway. I have been able to maintain my out-of-town childhood and college friends and travel with them). But I am longing for a local community and struggling to rebuild one. I am an extrovert and have never struggled with making or keeping friends before. This loneliness feels like it’s crushing me.
Things change when you have kids, that’s for sure. I’m sorry to hear about your loneliness, Tressa. It’s an epidemic for so many reasons, but I know you’ll move through it. You are worthy of all good things, as we all are. Sending hugs, Marina
I definitely related to your discussion of the difficulty of having friendships as an adult. I realized I cannot chase and force people to keep in touch and get together, so that has made it so my friendships are even more limited. But I realized if people wanted to talk to me and see me they would make the effort. I do volunteer so that gives me some connections, however I have not made them into real friendships quite yet. I was recently ghosted by a friend I had for years and it still hurts a lot. It is quite lonely at times and it is hard for me as I really enjoy social connections. For me I treat others the way I would want to be treated and try to just be open, in general, to talking with others in hopes of forming friendships.
Treating others well and keeping your heart open and diving into conversations feels to me like you’re on the good path. Wishing you the very best in making some new friends. Onward, Marina
I moved to Korea and boy is it hard to find friends who speak English. I've met some friends through expat groups. I anticipate it will also be hard to meet friends though when I move back to the US someday. At least the expat groups are a place to meet other people in the same situation.
For years I wanted a group of girlfriends. I envied women who had a gaggle to brunch with or go for a ladies weekend. But then I started to recognize that part of what has always had me moving through relationships is that I require intimacy. I don't do superficial. And I'm still growing and changing. For me that sometimes means finding folks who are also interested in being vulnerable and in growing and changing. I kept looking at girlfriend circles in my community, wishing I was more included and invited. Then I started getting invited and would find myself at events wishing I was home alone. Historically, I was only attracted to people who were a little aloof and "cool" because I think I believed I needed to work hard to be liked, that the hard work was required for the relationship to be of value. I guess I got tired of ending up in the same place with people who kept themselves just out of reach. After all, I had other people who were showing me that they were very willing to build connection. I let go of trying so hard. I now have more meaningful, fulfilling relationships with women than I've ever had. My 45th birthday I hosted a ladies dance party and had a gaggle of ladies come boogie with me. I'm finally hitting my stride and finding myself in relationships where I feel seen, heard, understood, and safe. It took growth, developing a better sense of who I am and what I really want, drinking less alcohol (which I used as a crutch in social situations), seeing through "cool", and letting go of what I thought I should have. I've never been more satisfied in the friend department! One new friendship in particular has been such a blessing. She's an old college friend and while we were not that close at school, we've become good friends even though we are long distance. Our calls and texts have been very special. I really believe that letting go of relationships that were not serving me is what has made space for this new one.
I don't have an answer to any of the questions above. I seem to be in a period of trying to figure out where I stand with some friends and where I want to be. It's been tough and truthfully, I feel rather lonely right now, and like I don't really have any friends at all. It's likely just a phase and I'll be ok. But it's been interesting to think about...
Susi, I feel exactly the same way. I told my husband recently that I feel like I have no one who I could ask to meet for a cup of coffee or just a chat. It’s terribly lonely. Hopefully we will both work though this phase.
Yes. That’s exactly it. The friends that I have need to pencil me into their busy schedules to meet. There’s no one who’s up for an impromptu get together like a cup of coffee.
Denise - see my response above. Just an idea, but it's been helpful for me during the pandemic for sure.
Sounds like you and I are about in the same place, Susi. Sending hugs, Marina
I have made friends by volunteering with local organizations. For me, the main organization is the Sustainability Committee in my city. We have monthly meetings but do projects and initiatives outside of the meetings, and many have become friends. I also ask friends to go to yoga, walking & exercise classes. Exercise isn't just a one-time thing, so exercising together and talking before, during and after classes is a ton of fun and one of my main social activities. What about volunteering for local things where you are? Whatever interests you. League of Women voters? A local knitting club? Or email your neighbors and form your own Book Club that meets every 6 weeks or so? So many things, and I bet people will love getting your invitation. Sure, not everyone will come. But the ones who do will be the more important ones who are also open to new friendships and relationships.
I’m experiencing a similar phase. I have a “core” group of women I Attend events with and spend time with but lately I feel like I’m on the outside of that circle. Although I have plenty of acquaintances I can grab coffee with I don’t have any immediate intimate girlfriends I feel I can turn to in a time of need, or just cuddle up with and watch a great movie, except one who lives on the other side of the country.
I had many friends until I deconstructed my childhood and young adulthood fundamental Christian background. Then they left one by one in various ways. It really hurt to see one post pictures on FB of a birthday trip she did with the other two without me. I had been invited to previous get togethers with them and initiated some of the activities myself but it was clear I was not welcome after I (painfully) stepped away from all the toxic religiously. I had even reached out for discussions on helping to process all of this but was told by one close friend “I don’t have time for that. I have to read my Bible and pray every day.” 💔
I am struggling to find like minded people in my area since it’s saturated with fundamentalist/authoritarian folks. It will probably come with time. Thankfully I do have my sister, my partner and my daughter!
I have hesitation seeking out more friends at this point since I feel my life is at the point of busyness that I like and I have had too many experiences of toxic relationships.
Thank goodness you got out of the toxic friend group. Sounds like you have some amazing women in your life, Chera. Love that for you… hugs, Marina
Surely there are other like-minded people out there. It may take time to find them, but they are everywhere. Hang in there.
I am a freelance writer & have recently been pitching an article about adult female friendship breakups (not picked up yet, lol). I've had 3 big friend breakups in my lifetime - one in middle school, one in college and one recently (in my 40s). The adult friend breakup in my 40s is by far the hardest. We are both at fault - but it has been devastating and weird, confusing, heartbreaking. On the positive, it has opened me up to new female friendships that feel much healthier. Sometimes, I guess, it's just time to move on.
I understand the adult friendship breakup scenario. Happened in my late 40s with my best friend of 25 years. Heartbreaking for sure, but over time it has become more of a dull ache than outright pain.
Same
The adult friend breakup is something that I'm familiar with as well. I still think about it even though it's been several years now. Every time his birthday rolls around I feel something akin to guilt. This guy was in my wedding party. We had so much fun together through college and in the years after for awhile, until it wasn't fun anymore. It was just work. Our journeys in personal growth were not in alignment. I know the breakup was for the best but I question what it says about me that I wasn't able to make it work. Hard to let go of the sense of loyalty. The opening up for new relationships where there's a much stronger sense of give and take with friends who are caring listeners and who share my values, has been worth the giving up of relationships that were just not working out. I feel like that big breakup has allowed me to move on more quickly when things aren't working out. The motivation to move on is stronger because it allows me to stay open to people where there is that sense when we're together or in conversation that 1 plus 1 makes more than 2. I think I had a tendency to seek out relationships that were difficult based on my family history growing up. I was accustomed to working really hard for love and connection and looked for people to create that with me. I'm better able now to appreciate connection that happens more organically with a reciprocity that feels deeply good. I can't do superficial so I have to limit my connections and have lots of alone time to recharge. Being 45 ain't so bad. The increased self-knowledge is such a relief.
I’m not good at keeping friends, only seem to be able to handle one or two through various life stages. My husband is really good at it and sometimes I worry all our friends are ‘his’ friends. It’s something I’d like to work on.
If you’re working on it the change will come. Sending my best wishes for that. Hugs, Marina
After being inspired by Michelle Obama in “Becoming” when she said - it is ok to embrace being the organizer and not waiting for her friends to step up, I have embraced that role for myself. It has made all the difference and switched the power from others to myself. Friendships take energy and there always needs to be someone willing to take the lead on that. It’s ok if that is you :)
Happy to hear you’re taking charge, Joy. Sending hugs, Marina
That's me too. I need to read that!
I have always had a circle of women friends. Not just one-on-one friends but a group. Both are so valuable, but I probably value the circle more. There is something about getting together as a group — the camaraderie, the connections, the just plain fun of it.
I've had more than one such group. I moved around in my 20s (young reporter) and established a group with each new town. I slowed down a bit after 30, but still, there's been three more groups. (I'm 68, now.) My current one is going on ten years. Some linger after I relocate, but some fade away — and that's OK.
One of the benefits of a group is that we share the work of maintaining the friendships. It's OK if some of us aren't as close as we are to others. It allows me to connect with people I might not have much in common with otherwise. I think women need connection — I once had a prof (a long time ago) who said men build militaries and women hold quilting bees. The world would be better off with more quilting bees and fewer armies. In these times, that's particularly true — women's abilities to connect and collaborate are needed.
Agreed on the quilting bees. Imagine how much would get done if women were in charge!
On a cellular level I miss not having a circle of women, which is funny because it’s something I’ve never had.
Sending hugs, Marina
I had a little clique going in elementary school but slowly we drifted when we went to different middle and high schools. I bumped into one in undergrad and FB friends with her and another. We all live in different cities and are moms to kids ranging from 5 to 15! I spent a year of middle school abroad due to my dad’s work and that year away was horrible for me. It was hard to make friends and it probably triggered some social anxiety and made making friends at yet another school tougher. 30+ years later, it still is.
You are so not alone, Cynthia. I’m unsure it’s easy to make friends beyond those young years where we just live and play and have less concerns about who we are in the world. We just see someone having fun or sitting alone or whatever, and we just walk on over and say ‘hi’. We need to get some of that back. Hugs, Marina
I'm my 30s, my family relocated from CA to AZ to MD and back to CA. As a result, I feel like my heart is spread all over the country. In my 40s, I went through the coactive coaching program and felt like I found my people. Most of my closest friends now are coaches - we go deep, get to the heart of matters, and support each other in stretching in new directions.
Finding your people is one of life’s great blessings, that’s for sure. Happy for you. Hugs, Marina
As an immigrant family member, it has been challenging to build friendships in the US. Many women here tend to judge others based on appearances, connections, religion, and politics. Without the multicultural communities that I have been fortunate to either be part of or help create, I would still question my worthiness as a friend, especially since many of the white women that befriended me seemed to value me primarily for my jobs, the opportunities I could provide or the “white presenting minority” tokenism they used me for.
It took me years to realize that my friendships with women like that were often based on convenience and racism, serving to boost the self-esteem of insecure white women who lacked strong identities and were overly reliant on the opinions and acceptance of white racist and misogynistic men. It helped me to understand racism better as it can be about abusive control of environments and keeping those who are perceived as inferior oppressed and isolated.
True friendship is built on trust and respect, which requires an understanding and appreciation of different cultures, including those of international, BIPOC and immigrant women. Friends or no friends, if we uplift the voices of women fighting for the dignity of all women, we have made friends with ourselves.
Happy International Day of Women and people who identify as women 2024!
I love your vulnerable heart, Polly! Thank you for sharing your reality… so much truth in this… we see it every day, right? The dignity of all women is the goal now and for as long as it takes. Sending hugs, Marina
Be open, be kind, embrace uncertainty, and when in doubt ask the people you click with for coffee, chances are they are seeking connection too. Connection requires vulnerability, we are all worthy of connection and friendship and love.
So very true, and yet it’s tough. Still trying to figure this out. Hugs, Marina
I definitely feel these comments- I moved internationally at 39 and found it hard to make friends and keep the old ones.Im now 45 and don’t have children and find it very hard to make new friends. I’ve always had a small group of friends because of being more private and I find that has made it hard for me to trust. I also have found myself craving friends that want to participate in conversations about what’s happening in the world or environment and it’s like no one wants to have deeper conversations. It’s definitely an interesting place we are at from a societal perspective.
That is a fact, Sogol. I suppose not many people want to go deep because they’re trying to take the crazy things going on right now in small doses. I hope you find the ones that do. Hugs, Marina
I have some basic rules I follow. First, the prospective friend needs to make me feel good about myself. I ask myself questions: Am I feeling respected? Listened to? Criticized? Shamed? Are they honest? Do they only talk about themselves and never ask how I am and what’s going on in my life? Do they gossip? If so, know they are also talking about me to others. And I check to see if they are bringing out the best in me. Do I get defensive or competitive with them? Do I feel energized or depleted by their company? Do I feel I can be honest with them or do I have to check myself before I speak and keep my guard up? You get the idea.
I was just thinking about community the other day, and feeling that I don't really have one. I have many acquaintances, and I do have some close friends, but it's extremely difficult to see them and spend any quality time with them on a regular basis. Our schedules are a nightmare. Because I've uprooted multiple times in my life and moved to places where I didn't know anyone, I've become fairly adept at what I call "blind friend dates." I just ask someone out for tea or coffee or a walk, usually someone I've met in a few yoga classes or through a work event. Once I even befriended someone I trained to take my job when making a career switch. I'm honest and say I'm trying to get to know more people, you seem nice, want to hang out? People have always seemed a little taken off guard, but they almost always say yes, and we always have a nice time chatting, even if it only happens once. Sometimes it doesn't last, but 3 of my closest friends in my current location all resulted from the blind friend dates. What I realized is that I had to take the lead. If I was drawn to someone, it worth an ask. Often I had to lead, to be the one responsible for engaging, but when I found someone who was then also willing to put in some effort, our acquaintanceship often grew into a friendship. It takes time and trial and error, but it's been worth it. Still, even with these amazing people in my life, I am often alone and lonely. And I think they are too. Our lives in the current world order are not structured to foster community and connectedness, and like so much self care and ways to refuel, spending time with people is back-burnered for higher, seemingly more important priorities like work. I have been ghosted and left out, and it hurts. I also try to remember that it may not be as personal as it feels. We are all dealing with so much. I also know how much I appreciate when someone reaches out to me, so I try to challenge myself to reach out for others. Even those tiny points of connection like an email, text, quick phone call, can really lift out spirits.
Love that you’ve made good connections via your ‘blind friend dates’… think I’m going to try that. Just moved to a new city so that’s a thing, right? Making new friends feels a bit rougher that when I was younger, but I’m up for the challenge. Sending hugs, Marina
I don't have tips or really anything you asked for, but I am so appreciative that your question gives me space to say something that I really struggle with, even when I'm almost 60 years old. There are "inner circles" that people have that I see on social media (I realize this is part of the issue!) ... and I sometimes feel FOMO that I'm not in these inner circles even though I have a lovely, fruitful, supportive inner circle of my own. In the particular case that gets my goat the most, it's a situation where I went to the same fitness place for years. Technically, I followed the same fitness person through several venues. Along the way, we all developed a community with each other. We celebrated success and grieved losses. We raised money for community causes. I ended up doing some freelance work for the person's PR business. I felt like I was closer to the "friend" side of the spectrum than the "it's just business" side. But it became clear over time, especially when she discontinued her fitness biz, that it was never a friendship. I *know* that intellectually the answer has something to do with "inner circles grow organically and you can't make it happen" but I still ... with the little clutch of women who go everywhere together (it feels like), were involved in the person's wedding/invited to it, etc. ... I have to be honest that something about being left out of it hurts. Doesn't make sense, but it sure feels good to get it off my chest, so thank you! <3
This makes sense to me, Paula. Of course being left out hurts, especially since you have history. Speaking for myself, and likely some others… a lot of others… I would feel the same way. Sending wishes that the sting will lessen and you’ll realize it has nothing to do with you, because you are worthy of all good things, as we all are. Hugs, Marina
This is such a lovely, empathic response, Marina. I appreciate it. I can't really blog about it, because so many people in my social world would recognize the people involved. It was therapeutic just to have a place to safely get this off my chest. Take good care.
I was over 40 before I experienced true supportive friendship from women. All my friendships before were situational or transactional. I love the circles of close women I have formed.
How wonderful to have circles!
We have room! Want in? ❤️❤️
Yes, please❣️
Yes, please💗
Up until a couple of years ago I would have said I had no trouble making friends. But I moved to a community that has more families and commuters and, since the pandemic, a lot of other new people also figuring it out. That last group should be a good place to find new friends but I don’t run in the same socio-economic group and have felt the sting of being uninvited to gatherings (after first being invited).
I don’t know what the answer is, but I have been more open to time for old friends and phone calls and weekend visits. I’ve also been digging in to this time to do some more healing and growing as a human. It’s not as fun as a happy hour with friends, but very necessary.
Overall I’m calling this a gap year while I decide where to move and what the next few years will look like - and who will be there when I sort it out.
A gap year… I think I’m going to borrow that. A self-love gap year. Hugs, Marina
I adore and deeply treasure my friendships. I struggled in middle and high school with feeling like I truly belonged and was so excited for a fresh start at college. I felt like I really learned how to be and develop friendships during my college years. I did not join a sorority at heavily-Greek Mizzou, but through other campus involvement I found friends who not only loved me for who I was, but celebrated my achievements and had my back. Those women and men are still dear friends today, even if many of us don’t see each other often. My experience at Mizzou gave me faith that if I brought my true, authentic self to the table, I would find lasting friendship. As I moved on to law school in Virginia, first jobs in ATX, and returning back to Missouri and starting a family, I have found at least 1-2 friends at each stop. More recently, that has included my Moms Demand Action friends in Kansas City, in Missouri, and across the country. My Northland KC Moms Demand Action friends helped elect me to our local school board, and we have worked so hard together on gun violence prevention. But even if that all went away, we love spending time together and I’m so grateful for them as neighbors and friends. My closest Mizzou girlfriends have remained essential in life. They were bridesmaids in my wedding 7 years after we graduated. We have seen each other through fertility struggles, marital issues, career frustrations and successes, the death of parents, and now turning 50. In fact, two of them flew in from DC and Houston to surprise me for my 50th birthday. I have often said that I wished I could live in a town with all my friends, but social media has allowed me to keep up with people near and far. I think authentic friendship requires you to bring your authentic self to the table and to see the good and the not-so-good in your friend and love them anyway. I also think it’s ok to have friendships that are more intense during particular seasons of life and then naturally fade a bit. I always try to presume positive intent and that no one sees themselves as the villain in their own story. And I find Ted Lasso’s “be curious, not judgmental” is incredible advice for friendship and pretty much everything else.
Your story of friendship is so beautiful, Karen. And deep. Authenticity is the only way to go for sure, and I love that you quoted Ted Lasso, one of so many quotes I love from that show. Sending hugs, Marina
It wasn't until I got sober and joined a recovery community that I finally found true friendship. I have 5 women in my life that would drop anything for me and me them. We laugh so hard when we're together, care deeply about what happens in each other's lives, are there to support one another through it all. I have so much gratitude for these women, their friendship, and all the great things in my life because of recovery. ❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏
Congratulations, Amy! Beautiful story of loving yourself and attracting true and meaningful friendships. Hugs, Marina
Was just texting with a childhood friend who I'm still in touch with. I keep my old friends though thick and thin, luckily none of them have gone to the dark side.
Sometimes we go months without talking and often I keep in touch with other friends through social media, but occasionally we get together or get in the phone and its like all the months and miles fall away.
Making new friends is fun but it takes effort. My newest friend is 82 and I'm 62. We enjoy hanging out.
How wonderful! Bet your new friend is as thrilled as you are. Hugs, Marina
I have felt so lonely since having kids a few years ago. My husband used to tease me that I had too many friends and now I feel like almost all these relationships have evaporated (well, the local ones anyway. I have been able to maintain my out-of-town childhood and college friends and travel with them). But I am longing for a local community and struggling to rebuild one. I am an extrovert and have never struggled with making or keeping friends before. This loneliness feels like it’s crushing me.
Things change when you have kids, that’s for sure. I’m sorry to hear about your loneliness, Tressa. It’s an epidemic for so many reasons, but I know you’ll move through it. You are worthy of all good things, as we all are. Sending hugs, Marina
I definitely related to your discussion of the difficulty of having friendships as an adult. I realized I cannot chase and force people to keep in touch and get together, so that has made it so my friendships are even more limited. But I realized if people wanted to talk to me and see me they would make the effort. I do volunteer so that gives me some connections, however I have not made them into real friendships quite yet. I was recently ghosted by a friend I had for years and it still hurts a lot. It is quite lonely at times and it is hard for me as I really enjoy social connections. For me I treat others the way I would want to be treated and try to just be open, in general, to talking with others in hopes of forming friendships.
Treating others well and keeping your heart open and diving into conversations feels to me like you’re on the good path. Wishing you the very best in making some new friends. Onward, Marina
I moved to Korea and boy is it hard to find friends who speak English. I've met some friends through expat groups. I anticipate it will also be hard to meet friends though when I move back to the US someday. At least the expat groups are a place to meet other people in the same situation.
Happy to hear you have some new friends. Hugs, Marina
For years I wanted a group of girlfriends. I envied women who had a gaggle to brunch with or go for a ladies weekend. But then I started to recognize that part of what has always had me moving through relationships is that I require intimacy. I don't do superficial. And I'm still growing and changing. For me that sometimes means finding folks who are also interested in being vulnerable and in growing and changing. I kept looking at girlfriend circles in my community, wishing I was more included and invited. Then I started getting invited and would find myself at events wishing I was home alone. Historically, I was only attracted to people who were a little aloof and "cool" because I think I believed I needed to work hard to be liked, that the hard work was required for the relationship to be of value. I guess I got tired of ending up in the same place with people who kept themselves just out of reach. After all, I had other people who were showing me that they were very willing to build connection. I let go of trying so hard. I now have more meaningful, fulfilling relationships with women than I've ever had. My 45th birthday I hosted a ladies dance party and had a gaggle of ladies come boogie with me. I'm finally hitting my stride and finding myself in relationships where I feel seen, heard, understood, and safe. It took growth, developing a better sense of who I am and what I really want, drinking less alcohol (which I used as a crutch in social situations), seeing through "cool", and letting go of what I thought I should have. I've never been more satisfied in the friend department! One new friendship in particular has been such a blessing. She's an old college friend and while we were not that close at school, we've become good friends even though we are long distance. Our calls and texts have been very special. I really believe that letting go of relationships that were not serving me is what has made space for this new one.