I had to overcome being raised by a single mom who was sometimes suicidal. I also survived a mass shooting when I was in middle school. For years, I suffered from anxiety and hypervigilance and have found healing through Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Through consistent practice and meditation, I am able to relate to “parts” of myself that are still in need of healing with compassion and am so much better regulated.
At first, I wasn’t even aware how little compassion I had for myself. I assumed if I was compassion toward others that I would naturally be that way toward myself, maybe even more so. I discovered it was just the opposite.
My childhood (although pretty perfect by all other measures) was full of shame, frustration and confusion -- full of "you have so much potential if only...." and "if you wanted to, you would..." and "you're smart, you just don't apply yourself."
I didn't know I had an ADHD Fancy Brain until I was in my forties.
So, I stumbled into a host of coping and defense mechanisms before even knowing that's what they were. They got me through, and when I learned there was an actual *reason* for my struggles, it all suddenly made sense, but the shame persisted.
Fast forward to now, and my overarching goal is to relieve that burden of shame from current and future generations by shifting the way we understand, discuss and approach ADHD.
Second only to becoming a mom, the experience of having my whole life explained by a diagnosis was probably the biggest transformation I've seen (so far!) in my life. Onward to a world where ALL brains are valued exactly as they are!
I had to endure years of physical abuse from my parents as they took turns in the abuse. I was determined to break the cycle of violence after I found myself physically abusing my daughter when she was little. I broke the cycle of violence by never using physical violence to discipline my kids. They in turn have never used physical violence on their children.
I had to overcome sa, physical and mental abuse by parents, growing up in a rough neighborhood. Starting young, I was incredibly wild and out of control. I had my first child young and did my best (or so I thought) but I probably was not a fantastic mother. I also had a second daughter later at a really rough time in my life. Divorced my first husband who was an alcoholic, was planning on divorcing my second, but he died first. I actually tried to combat my childhood issues off and on throughout my adulthood, but actually did not really sink in until much later. I am still, in middle-age working on it.
I had to overcome a parental divorce and the subsequent neglect (parents busy figuring out their own lives), as well as no help processing this as a child. Also lack of emotional regulation from parents which I’ve Inherited. I work on my own emotional regulation skills to try to break a very unhealthy cycle in my family and for future generations.
I had to endure always being told by my mother and my teachers that I was smarter than my brother but did not apply myself. And my brother was the one who went on to college and became an award winning journalist, who minored in political science. I also endured being told all throughout my life by my mother that I would never "amount to anything." And the sexual abuse I had to endure from an uncle and a cousin. And that I did no tell anyone about until I was in my late forties when I started having flash backs and had a mental breakdown and finally confessed to my wife about it. That is when I started therapy. At that time I also decided to be honest with my brother and confided this to him and also came out to him about being gay, which he told me he kind of knew. I figured he did. My children always knew, I never lied to them about being gay. But the abuse the thing that just had to be dealt with. The next time I went to a huge family reunion for my mother's side of the family I knew I would face the cousin that abused me. And I was taking my mother and granddaughter with me. This, we knew, would be the last time my mother would be with her whole family. I had not seen this side of my family in over 30 years. I knew that the cousin who sexually abused me had become a priest which I found kind of amuzing considering what he did. I had hoped he had confessed to God his sins of his abuse. When it was time to finally see him he came up to me with his arms open to hug me, he leaned in, put his arms around me, and me, without putting my arms around him, I just whispered in his ear, " I will never forget what you did to me, I will never forgive the mental distress you caused me, just stay away from me and stay away from my grandduaghter, I still don't trust you." And I just backed away. We never spoke a word to each other for the rest of the time I was out there. But I felt a sense of relief knowing that I had finally had that chance to confront him. I have been to a couple of other reunions out there since and he always stays very far away from me. When he says a prayer at the reunion, which he always does, I walk away. I can't listen to him do that. I can't believe that someone like that can be a man of God. But, I have never told my children they are worthless, I have always told them they can anything they want, be anything they want and if they came to me and told me someone is trying to do something to them that was inappropriate I listened and we dealt with it immediately. My children have become very warm loving parents and are raising great children. I am so proud of all of them.
My mother died very suddenly when I was 8 years old. My father told me that God needed her up in heaven more than we did. He was in no way prepared to raise his two younger children and every decision brought more chaos and pain. I never knew another child without a mother so I believed I didn’t deserve a mother. And therefore I deserved the horrible dysfunctional life I was living. It’s taken years of therapy and work to learn that my mother’s death and what followed was not my fault. But it drove me to focus on being a good wife and mom and always showing my children they deserve all good things.I also mentored a lot of women, and men, in my career to find the good things in themselves, and their careers. It took me awhile to connect my love of mentoring to this lack of parenting. But it was a gift out of a very bad situation.
I had to overcome being raised by a single mom who was sometimes suicidal. I also survived a mass shooting when I was in middle school. For years, I suffered from anxiety and hypervigilance and have found healing through Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Through consistent practice and meditation, I am able to relate to “parts” of myself that are still in need of healing with compassion and am so much better regulated.
Healing with compassion is so important.
At first, I wasn’t even aware how little compassion I had for myself. I assumed if I was compassion toward others that I would naturally be that way toward myself, maybe even more so. I discovered it was just the opposite.
Such a great question!
My childhood (although pretty perfect by all other measures) was full of shame, frustration and confusion -- full of "you have so much potential if only...." and "if you wanted to, you would..." and "you're smart, you just don't apply yourself."
I didn't know I had an ADHD Fancy Brain until I was in my forties.
So, I stumbled into a host of coping and defense mechanisms before even knowing that's what they were. They got me through, and when I learned there was an actual *reason* for my struggles, it all suddenly made sense, but the shame persisted.
Fast forward to now, and my overarching goal is to relieve that burden of shame from current and future generations by shifting the way we understand, discuss and approach ADHD.
Second only to becoming a mom, the experience of having my whole life explained by a diagnosis was probably the biggest transformation I've seen (so far!) in my life. Onward to a world where ALL brains are valued exactly as they are!
Yes!!!! 👏👏👏
I had to endure years of physical abuse from my parents as they took turns in the abuse. I was determined to break the cycle of violence after I found myself physically abusing my daughter when she was little. I broke the cycle of violence by never using physical violence to discipline my kids. They in turn have never used physical violence on their children.
I'm so sorry you went through that Cathy.
I had to overcome sa, physical and mental abuse by parents, growing up in a rough neighborhood. Starting young, I was incredibly wild and out of control. I had my first child young and did my best (or so I thought) but I probably was not a fantastic mother. I also had a second daughter later at a really rough time in my life. Divorced my first husband who was an alcoholic, was planning on divorcing my second, but he died first. I actually tried to combat my childhood issues off and on throughout my adulthood, but actually did not really sink in until much later. I am still, in middle-age working on it.
It's a lifelong process.
Yes it is. I think it is just part of life. Learning and growing.
I had to overcome a parental divorce and the subsequent neglect (parents busy figuring out their own lives), as well as no help processing this as a child. Also lack of emotional regulation from parents which I’ve Inherited. I work on my own emotional regulation skills to try to break a very unhealthy cycle in my family and for future generations.
Love that you're breaking the cycle!
I had to endure always being told by my mother and my teachers that I was smarter than my brother but did not apply myself. And my brother was the one who went on to college and became an award winning journalist, who minored in political science. I also endured being told all throughout my life by my mother that I would never "amount to anything." And the sexual abuse I had to endure from an uncle and a cousin. And that I did no tell anyone about until I was in my late forties when I started having flash backs and had a mental breakdown and finally confessed to my wife about it. That is when I started therapy. At that time I also decided to be honest with my brother and confided this to him and also came out to him about being gay, which he told me he kind of knew. I figured he did. My children always knew, I never lied to them about being gay. But the abuse the thing that just had to be dealt with. The next time I went to a huge family reunion for my mother's side of the family I knew I would face the cousin that abused me. And I was taking my mother and granddaughter with me. This, we knew, would be the last time my mother would be with her whole family. I had not seen this side of my family in over 30 years. I knew that the cousin who sexually abused me had become a priest which I found kind of amuzing considering what he did. I had hoped he had confessed to God his sins of his abuse. When it was time to finally see him he came up to me with his arms open to hug me, he leaned in, put his arms around me, and me, without putting my arms around him, I just whispered in his ear, " I will never forget what you did to me, I will never forgive the mental distress you caused me, just stay away from me and stay away from my grandduaghter, I still don't trust you." And I just backed away. We never spoke a word to each other for the rest of the time I was out there. But I felt a sense of relief knowing that I had finally had that chance to confront him. I have been to a couple of other reunions out there since and he always stays very far away from me. When he says a prayer at the reunion, which he always does, I walk away. I can't listen to him do that. I can't believe that someone like that can be a man of God. But, I have never told my children they are worthless, I have always told them they can anything they want, be anything they want and if they came to me and told me someone is trying to do something to them that was inappropriate I listened and we dealt with it immediately. My children have become very warm loving parents and are raising great children. I am so proud of all of them.
My mother died very suddenly when I was 8 years old. My father told me that God needed her up in heaven more than we did. He was in no way prepared to raise his two younger children and every decision brought more chaos and pain. I never knew another child without a mother so I believed I didn’t deserve a mother. And therefore I deserved the horrible dysfunctional life I was living. It’s taken years of therapy and work to learn that my mother’s death and what followed was not my fault. But it drove me to focus on being a good wife and mom and always showing my children they deserve all good things.I also mentored a lot of women, and men, in my career to find the good things in themselves, and their careers. It took me awhile to connect my love of mentoring to this lack of parenting. But it was a gift out of a very bad situation.