I get a lot of questions about why dads and/or men (and I’m really talking about cis/het men) aren’t as organized as women are around social issues. I’ve been a gun violence prevention organizer for over a decade and I can confirm that it’s often difficult to get men to show up at hearings, rallies and meetings, etc (no, not all men — shout out to the men who wear Moms Demand Action shirts and allow women to lead them!).
Too often when I do see men engaged in activism, they’re setting the strategy or taking the spotlight (in the media), but I don’t see enough of them doing the unglamorous, heavy lifting of grassroots activism - showing up at hearings, holding and attending meetings, handing out lit at farmers markets, etc.
Is it because they don’t feel issues directly relate to them (like abortion); or because they’re in power and therefore less moved to act (are men are more concerned about the “me” than the “we”)? Is it because they’re holding down the fort while women are doing the heavy lifting? Is it generational? Is it because women are just expected to do the unpaid labor of volunteerism and men don’t think it’s a valuable use of their time?
I’m going to write about this and would love your thoughts.
Sep 29, 2023·edited Sep 29, 2023Liked by Shannon Watts
I've lost count of the number of times I have asked myself this question. Would love to know the answer, not speculations from women, but responses from actual men. Part of me feels that since women are automatically "parentified" by society, and often end up parenting their male partners, women have been called upon to parent the entire society at this point in time.
Man here. I think Shannon’s point is fair and she raises a great question. My first thought is that showing up for a women’s rights rally, to give hugs at PRIDE, or an anti-gun event might be seen as too “feminine” for macho men. By feminine I mean emotional, caring, and nurturing, traits associated more with women than men. In other words, they don’t want their bros to see them crying.
I have given out Free Dad Hugs at PRIDE events and it is emotional. I don’t just cry, I sob with young people my kids age who have been rejected by their parents. For a moment I try to provide some relief and comfort from their pain.
We talk a lot about the need to more women and minority role models in the C suite and Congress, on TV and in movies. We need more emotional and compassionate men, too. Men like Bob Dole, Alan Alda, Tom Hanks, Bono and others like them have been some of mine.
I think you are getting close when you ask if men think the work of social activism is “Women’s Work.” I am reminded of something Pastor Jonathan Old Horse told us at the Moms Demand leadership conference. I am paraphrasing, but it was, “It is the women, not the warriors, who change society.” At the time, and still, I find these words to be deeply motivating. Yet, sometimes I feel like our house is on fire, my sisters and I are holding the hose, and our brothers are watching us, telling us how proud they are of us. We appreciate the encouragement, but we need you with us in the fight.
I think since women are seen as nurturers and raised that way it makes us feel “badly” when we aren’t taking care of the details. We see all the steps involved whereas men are driven by the need to be victorious which is centered on the end result.
When I think of when I see films centered around January 6th marches on the Capitol, which were dominated almost exclusively by men, is that for some men in communities where the gun is the primary source of masculine pride, is that these men need the approval of other men. In these communities, standing up for groups like Moms Demand Action becomes an act of courage. I was present (inadvertently) at a meeting of men against Moms and was struck by the fact that most of the men in that group were being admired by other men. (this was in Utah, where we have no support for gun legislation...)so it is definitely a need some men feel for admiration from their peers.
Based on my observations of male friends my age (Gen X) who share my values, many are very dialed into career pursuits/work travel and don’t have/create margin to commit to any community involvement. And if they do, they are more risk-averse about getting involved in social issues for fear of it impacting career advancement. They don’t see it as a moral imperative in the same way.
I've been volunteering with Moms Demand and for candidates for about 5 years now (and ran for local office myself). In our household with 3 young kids, it is a case of my husband holding down the fort with the kids while I go do the things. (He's also very good at asking candidates who call him for donations about their plans to decrease gun violence.)
That said, I've seen a lot of "Dad groups" pop up locally in our schools which do a separate slate of tasks they've created, rather than simply joining the PTA (typically led by moms) and taking on those already-existing tasks, and it drives me a little bit batty.
No answers without sounding super cynical and without stereotyping. Thank you for addressing the elephant in the room--or at the protest😆. This makes me angry whenever I think about it. Looking forward to this discussion.
Gut reaction - men expect the system to work for them. And usually the system does work for them. (Well, white cis/het men). So why do the heavy work of coalition building and advocacy when it will all work out in the end anyway (from their perspective). Of course, this ignores the fact that when things do "work out" there is generally a lot of invisible labor happening.
This makes me think about all the invisible labor performed by women. As the oldest daughter, then a wife and then a mother, I am thinking about all the prepping and fixing I took on as my responsibility. Thank you for bringing this up.
As someone who's been doing Moms Demand welcome calls for years, what I've observed is that, quite often, the women who pick up the phone are in a hurry or in the middle of something and don't have a lot of time to talk. On the other hand, many of the men who pick up are interested in telling me how Moms could "do what we do" better and seem to have lots of time to talk.
I'm also aware that I prefer to work with women-led organizations since women seem, generally, to be the "do-ers" we need to get the job done. We don't have much time to waste theorizing or criticizing.
For the man in my life — I don’t think he can sit with the uncomfortable emotions of doing this work. He shuts down emotionally. There is also something about not being paid for his efforts maybe. But I think it’s more about to the emotional side. Have been thinking on this exact same thing
I also spoke to my husband (who is a white/cis/ midwestern Christian man) about this. He says he is uncomfortable going to events with the term "mom" or "women". Women are already in this space & controlling the issue/narrative (probably bc we have too...)
Not really. Ironically though he recently got really passionate and fired up about local comments that “car drivers” pay for the roads so should be able to part in bike lanes etc (he is a biker). my husband’s profession is also to help some of the most vulnerable people — so in that sense he does activism every day. That being said GVP is my issue and so he never says anything when I am out of the house to do this work. he does come w me if we can find a sitter and I ask.
I do see men who are MDs (like my husband) getting involved. Many of the op-Ed’s & hospital based violence intervention programs are by run/written by men. So maybe — there is something that unless this is impacting you on a daily basis it’s harder to get involved . 🤷🏻♀️
Is it that they just do not care as much? I have two boys 11/14 I want them to be emotional and feel strongly about activism like gun violence, as I am. How do we, as mothers, women, help them to see and feel deeply about activism? Can’t wait to read about this.
I have been to so many rallies with Moms Demand and NARAL, now Reproductive Freedom for All, and other orgs, and yes there have been a lot of men who also show up to fight right alongside of us, but there should be many more. I have always wondered if they just don't show up because they don't want to be seen as "protestors" to their peers. Or do they feel that these issues are more of a woman's issue and not a man's issue? But when it comes to gun issues this is an EVERYBODY issues. I think men need to understand that the issues that concern women and children also concern men and they need to be involved at every level. All voices need to be heard, all people, men and women, need to be seen at rallies. All issues, whether it be gun issues, voting issues, Abortion issues, involve everyone and we all need to be involved, heard and seen.
Hummmmph... The cynical side of me says that it is easy for men to prioritize all the other things before doing any lifting to help women, even when they occasionally are able to see the inequality experienced by their wives, mothers, and daughters.... even the "good" men.
Interesting question, Shannon. I suppose it could be the result of many years of sexist conditioning to the effect that men expect to be bread-winners or in leadership roles, while stay-at-home moms have been conditioned to take on the bulk of close-to-home volunteer work, which often translates to the unglamorous tasks that one can fit in around juggling other family responsibilities. And while women like you (and Moms) have done much to change the mindset of other women to believe in their own leadership potential and capabilities, there really is no corresponding movement (and why would there be?) to convince men of the value and satisfaction of being a volunteer worker bee. It’s changing, though, albeit slowly. For example, I see plenty of other men unglamorously canvassing for candidates each election cycle.
With respect to Moms Demand Action in particular, I may be an outlier (happy to have been a Moms worker bee for the last 7 years - thanks for the shout out) but I’m sure the name itself doesn’t help when trying to recruit men to the cause. Don’t get me wrong - I love the name but it does come with some drawbacks.
Right but in the 80s there were (and still are) plenty of men in Mothers Against Drunk Driving. And also if the brand is the issue, where are the men storming the statehouse re abortion? Not trying to be defensive -- just probing!
The name may not be the primary or even a major reason for the relative lack of male participation, but words do matter. As you well know, Moms is smartly insistent on having its volunteers use the “right” words to discuss our issue. But again, I would say our years of conditioning have more to do with it than anything else.
Fred Guttenberg and Beto O'Rourke are two men that I can think of who are doing the work on gun violence prevention.
Our local school district emphasizes volunteer work for high school students. Both of my sons are in college and continue to volunteer. Hopefully this generation is being taught the importance of activism.
Personally, I believe that we need more WOMEN to fight this fight. Bring it to every family and friend event, at home and at work and stop believing it is our job to keep the peace and be nice. Historically, women have been barred from reading the newspaper and becoming active in politics. I feel empowered that we are rising up!
Men are responsible for all wars, past and present. Much human misery is directly attributable to men. When we see photos and films of war-torn areas, we see the horrors and tragedies inflicted on civilians by men and their wars. Facts.
Yep and women and POC keep forgetting we make up the majority of the population. White cis/het men aren’t going to give up power by choice either. Not sure what wiring prevents this but being nice and expecting reason is a pipe dream. I’m not advocating violence. I’m advocating something more powerful, abstinence. That will get their attention.
As a progressive man, I believe you hit on an important insight when you wrote "men don’t think it’s a valuable use of their time", especially regarding rallies. It has caused me to focus my activism mostly on organized door to door get out the vote efforts in behalf of Democrats in every election. Ultimately, winning elections, and electoral majorities, are the key to lasting societal change, and I have learned that many voters still need that personal appeal to propel them to election day.
I'm a guy, not as well spoken as others here. Personally, I have to unlock the mental chains stemming from my neglect and abuse as a kid. I fear and distrust others. Aside from this minor issue, usually work conflicts with daytime stuff, and at night I have care of a disabled spouse. Flimsy excuses, and I'm trying to work in what I can. Zooms and internet activism is what I can manage now. I'm sorry and I will keep on trying to do more.
As a first generation born Mexican-American, I was the one always advocating for the household. My mother would share her thoughts, but herself could not articulate them well because of her accent. My father just worked. My husband (white) is a great encourager, but not much for public advocating, but does promote me as a candidate to his clients. My sons: The oldest who saw me most in action while being an organizer while he was growing up, does speak up and he does it with eloquence and not pointing fingers - but certainly making his point. My middle son, deaf - attempts to advocate, and actually did to a state senator, only for that senator to shut my son off because it was too much work for him to “hear” a deaf constituent. If I lived in MN, I would have gone back to that guy with my son and said a few words. My youngest, now living in Japan, tried canvassing for Bernie back in the day - and he’s now on the fence about advocating for anything.
As I run for office now, I am honored by the men that are canvassing on my behalf to help me get my name on the ballot here in IL. One of them, @JimMcGrath is a Moms Demand Action member! We were one of the first members of the Barrington chapter in 2017.
Not sure if this answered the question…but it’s complicated. I threw in some cultural stuff in there at the beginning.
My husband has been in Moms from the start. He says the same thing. He says men can be cowardly and follow the pack. They won’t volunteer unless they see other, supposedly powerful, men do it. And they like to be in charge and obeyed. And yes, when it comes to social issues they are lazy.
My observations during 7 years of grassroots activism: In my heteronormative household, I became activated first. So my husband cared for our small children while I was out protesting and meeting with officials and organizing. Now that the kids are older, he’s begun accompanying me to protests and advocating for equitable practices at work and continues to support my activist work. That said, he and his contemporaries (white/cis/het GenX), have a tendency to sit out until it impacts them personally. Too many of them stay on the sidelines while their wives, children and neighbors of color and those in the LGBTQIA+ community suffer from discrimination. More people - especially white men and women - need to be activated by our common humanity to stand up for those in historically marginalized communities.
This is an interesting question. I don't possess good organizational skills and I've often felt that no one listens to me anyway, especially when my confidence wavers. That said, thinking less of me and more about others has led me to be a crew member for the Komen 3-Day, a participant at the 2022 March for Our Lives Rally in DC, and a registrant for the coming Moms-Demand-Action PA State Advocacy Day. I think selfishness and a lack of empathy could explain, at least in part, why men lag behind in the heavy lifting.
Men are allowed to be masters at one thing while women are pressed to be good at all things. To be a mother means also being in the PTA even if you and your husband have careers. A man who cooks becomes a chef while a women that cooks has well known recipes in the family.
Men are shown that they can become leaders--of government, companies, churches, service organizations -- but as an American 44 year old woman I have yet to see this exemplified by women. I feel like I can help volunteer on the sidelines while balancing all of my other roles. My husband doesn't get involved nor does he feel pressured to be involved. That won't make him a better father or community member because he is assumed to be a leader in some other regard because he is a man.
I am an executive in corporate America and I have seen all kinds of sexism from all sides. Women are asked to do menial work no matter the level.
Therefore, we've created a structure where women must multitask, not seek a leadership position, and do menial work. Volunteerism is our only outlet for power.
Much of this work isn’t paid. Women are more used to doing unpaid work. I’m not saying that is correct but I think it is true. While I was serving as a Chapter Lead, essentially an unpaid full time job, my husband was earning the money for me to be able to do that. He would show up when he could (so did both my sons) but didn’t have the freedom or flexibility that I did in the middle of the work week. He definitely viewed our activism as mutual even if he couldn’t always be there with his Man Enough to Be a Mom shirt.
I've given a great deal of thought about this question over the years, not only in relation to gun violence prevention but left/center political action in general. I think there are many reasons why older men don't engage that add up to a larger problem. I can't really speak for younger men because I'm not one of them.
First, I'd say that older men are not used to having to rally for political change. Aside from those who were around during the 60s, most haven't been through contentious times like the ones we're experiencing now and can't break out of their comfort zone. There's an element of laziness in play here, with many men preferring to comfortably resume their customary watching of sports on a weekend or doing some other pleasurable activity rather than engaging in political activity. Also, men do prioritize among other responsibilities and often place political action toward the bottom of the list.
Second, I think men more readily accept authoritarianism, whether it's in the form of corporate life, politics or teamwork. All of our lives, we've been taught to listen to our coaches, obey the CEO, obey the commandments, don't rock the boat, don't let down your teammates -- don't call attention to yourself. So many men I believe are reluctant to run against the grain. There's also a primal urge in play here -- listen to the alpha wolf and don't make yourself the omega wolf. Don't be THAT GUY.
Third, not calling attention to yourself and not standing up for people at risk for harm in an emergency situation is a form of cowardice. We glorify those who run into the fire but more often men are running away from it. I've been very frustrated when men whom I know share my views don't have my back when debates about gun violence or political topics come up in social situations. We are fully aware of the cowardice displayed on a daily basis in Congress, and a form of that cowardice is running rampant among men in general. Ironically, many men who wax eloquent about the flag or the heroes of American wars are the first to back away when contentious topics come up.
As far as solutions, I've been urging everyone -- men and women -- to Come Out of the Political Closet! This doesn't mean getting in arguments with your neighbor or uncle -- what it does mean is recogizing those who share your political views, in public or in private, and telling them you're on their side. I believe forming these "secret" networks strenghtens our cause.
Last, MOMS is a formidable organization, and I think all MOMS members should encourage their men in their lives to activate. MOMS should have a DADS for MOMS day -- and demonstrate mens' involvement. There are many of us out there on the right side of this issue, and I think you'll be surprised at the success of such a day.
As a man, I can understand why women believe that the fight is there's alone because the participation is predominantly women. I personally have been trying to engage in the causes. I have recently joined Moms Demand, Results and Environmental Voter Project along with volunteering at my local Food Pantry. There are many good causes to support and the recruitment message should be inclusive. I'm certain that many men want to be included in the fight for right. To gain the support of these men treat them as equals. Remember getting the changes is the reason for the actions not the gender of the messenger.
Unfortunately women aren't treated as equals in society at-large (eg, equal pay), so I've always felt that men should follow women's lead in this arena. I'm also not sure it's women's job to involve men - it's their job to jump in!
It comes down to animal biology . . . certainly there is a Human 'twist' to it but biology nonetheless.......Evolutionary biology has never failed me in understanding our behavior as a species . . . while this is not the popular thing to say in today's world it does explain the core driver of behavior based upon what I call "The 2 S's . . . survival & sex"....survival of the self and survival of the species . . . today's modern world, what I call the "Manmade Construct" has moved us so far from our natural world our behaviors are warped due to our environment but essentially manifesting these two elements.....and, yes, there is difference in how each gender approaches it that is very different but rooted in our biology.
Hope I’m not too late to the party - I actually messaged Shannon this question once & she replied she was working on a write up. (Thank you!)
I asked my husband this question many times in the midst of my anxiety ridden breakdowns about the country our children are being raised it.
A lot of his argument came down to he thinks the most he can do is vote. He researches his candidates and votes for gun sense candidates. He also said I was doing advocacy work and if I wanted him to come I should ask (we’d need childcare) He has a perspective that we can’t live in fear. No, I don’t think this is fair....but this was his answer. He cares, he wants our kids to be safe, and he thinks the above is enough (voting) and I don’t.
What I think is at play here is a lack of empathy in some men. (Someone mentioned above too) As a mother, I mourn the lives lost of those I’ve never met, he doesn’t. I fear for our kids safety, he doesn’t in the same way. Is it because of empathy? Is it because I’m more prone to carrying the worries of the family?
I just listened to an amazing episode of Hidden Brain, by Shankar Vedantam, “The Secret to Great Teams.” It turns out that one of the secrets is having mostly (not all) women on the team. The podcast is research-based, and there are MANY episodes that have given me invaluable insights into our society, politics, and the people around me. Highly recommend.
I think you are touching on an important point here. I’ve wondered if we sometimes don’t leave space for men in this work because we feel a legitimate need to make sure the work isn’t taken from us. I think it is understandable for us to feel that men get us into these troubles, they can’t be trusted to help us fix them. It is a defendable position, but perhaps, in the end, not one that will lead to the changes we seek, at least, not speedier change.
I've lost count of the number of times I have asked myself this question. Would love to know the answer, not speculations from women, but responses from actual men. Part of me feels that since women are automatically "parentified" by society, and often end up parenting their male partners, women have been called upon to parent the entire society at this point in time.
Excellent point
Man here. I think Shannon’s point is fair and she raises a great question. My first thought is that showing up for a women’s rights rally, to give hugs at PRIDE, or an anti-gun event might be seen as too “feminine” for macho men. By feminine I mean emotional, caring, and nurturing, traits associated more with women than men. In other words, they don’t want their bros to see them crying.
I have given out Free Dad Hugs at PRIDE events and it is emotional. I don’t just cry, I sob with young people my kids age who have been rejected by their parents. For a moment I try to provide some relief and comfort from their pain.
We talk a lot about the need to more women and minority role models in the C suite and Congress, on TV and in movies. We need more emotional and compassionate men, too. Men like Bob Dole, Alan Alda, Tom Hanks, Bono and others like them have been some of mine.
I think you are getting close when you ask if men think the work of social activism is “Women’s Work.” I am reminded of something Pastor Jonathan Old Horse told us at the Moms Demand leadership conference. I am paraphrasing, but it was, “It is the women, not the warriors, who change society.” At the time, and still, I find these words to be deeply motivating. Yet, sometimes I feel like our house is on fire, my sisters and I are holding the hose, and our brothers are watching us, telling us how proud they are of us. We appreciate the encouragement, but we need you with us in the fight.
Another idea: Ask your male partner or son and let me know what they say!
I think since women are seen as nurturers and raised that way it makes us feel “badly” when we aren’t taking care of the details. We see all the steps involved whereas men are driven by the need to be victorious which is centered on the end result.
Yep! Just signing in to write precisely this.
When I think of when I see films centered around January 6th marches on the Capitol, which were dominated almost exclusively by men, is that for some men in communities where the gun is the primary source of masculine pride, is that these men need the approval of other men. In these communities, standing up for groups like Moms Demand Action becomes an act of courage. I was present (inadvertently) at a meeting of men against Moms and was struck by the fact that most of the men in that group were being admired by other men. (this was in Utah, where we have no support for gun legislation...)so it is definitely a need some men feel for admiration from their peers.
Based on my observations of male friends my age (Gen X) who share my values, many are very dialed into career pursuits/work travel and don’t have/create margin to commit to any community involvement. And if they do, they are more risk-averse about getting involved in social issues for fear of it impacting career advancement. They don’t see it as a moral imperative in the same way.
I've been volunteering with Moms Demand and for candidates for about 5 years now (and ran for local office myself). In our household with 3 young kids, it is a case of my husband holding down the fort with the kids while I go do the things. (He's also very good at asking candidates who call him for donations about their plans to decrease gun violence.)
That said, I've seen a lot of "Dad groups" pop up locally in our schools which do a separate slate of tasks they've created, rather than simply joining the PTA (typically led by moms) and taking on those already-existing tasks, and it drives me a little bit batty.
No answers without sounding super cynical and without stereotyping. Thank you for addressing the elephant in the room--or at the protest😆. This makes me angry whenever I think about it. Looking forward to this discussion.
Gut reaction - men expect the system to work for them. And usually the system does work for them. (Well, white cis/het men). So why do the heavy work of coalition building and advocacy when it will all work out in the end anyway (from their perspective). Of course, this ignores the fact that when things do "work out" there is generally a lot of invisible labor happening.
This makes me think about all the invisible labor performed by women. As the oldest daughter, then a wife and then a mother, I am thinking about all the prepping and fixing I took on as my responsibility. Thank you for bringing this up.
Yes. Great insight
As someone who's been doing Moms Demand welcome calls for years, what I've observed is that, quite often, the women who pick up the phone are in a hurry or in the middle of something and don't have a lot of time to talk. On the other hand, many of the men who pick up are interested in telling me how Moms could "do what we do" better and seem to have lots of time to talk.
I'm also aware that I prefer to work with women-led organizations since women seem, generally, to be the "do-ers" we need to get the job done. We don't have much time to waste theorizing or criticizing.
For the man in my life — I don’t think he can sit with the uncomfortable emotions of doing this work. He shuts down emotionally. There is also something about not being paid for his efforts maybe. But I think it’s more about to the emotional side. Have been thinking on this exact same thing
I also want to add that a lot of our community violence interruption groups are led by men.
But white or Black men?
Black men.
I also spoke to my husband (who is a white/cis/ midwestern Christian man) about this. He says he is uncomfortable going to events with the term "mom" or "women". Women are already in this space & controlling the issue/narrative (probably bc we have too...)
interesting! Does he do other activism that is for orgs not called “mom”?
Not really. Ironically though he recently got really passionate and fired up about local comments that “car drivers” pay for the roads so should be able to part in bike lanes etc (he is a biker). my husband’s profession is also to help some of the most vulnerable people — so in that sense he does activism every day. That being said GVP is my issue and so he never says anything when I am out of the house to do this work. he does come w me if we can find a sitter and I ask.
I do see men who are MDs (like my husband) getting involved. Many of the op-Ed’s & hospital based violence intervention programs are by run/written by men. So maybe — there is something that unless this is impacting you on a daily basis it’s harder to get involved . 🤷🏻♀️
Is it that they just do not care as much? I have two boys 11/14 I want them to be emotional and feel strongly about activism like gun violence, as I am. How do we, as mothers, women, help them to see and feel deeply about activism? Can’t wait to read about this.
I do t think that is the reason. I think we are afraid to show that we care. It’s too vulnerable.
You are probably right Daren. I so don’t want this for my guys. Thank you for responding to my comment.
It doesn’t have to be!
*don’t
I think it’s likely all those reasons. I, like Stef, would appreciate hearing men’s voices on this
I have been to so many rallies with Moms Demand and NARAL, now Reproductive Freedom for All, and other orgs, and yes there have been a lot of men who also show up to fight right alongside of us, but there should be many more. I have always wondered if they just don't show up because they don't want to be seen as "protestors" to their peers. Or do they feel that these issues are more of a woman's issue and not a man's issue? But when it comes to gun issues this is an EVERYBODY issues. I think men need to understand that the issues that concern women and children also concern men and they need to be involved at every level. All voices need to be heard, all people, men and women, need to be seen at rallies. All issues, whether it be gun issues, voting issues, Abortion issues, involve everyone and we all need to be involved, heard and seen.
Hummmmph... The cynical side of me says that it is easy for men to prioritize all the other things before doing any lifting to help women, even when they occasionally are able to see the inequality experienced by their wives, mothers, and daughters.... even the "good" men.
Interesting question, Shannon. I suppose it could be the result of many years of sexist conditioning to the effect that men expect to be bread-winners or in leadership roles, while stay-at-home moms have been conditioned to take on the bulk of close-to-home volunteer work, which often translates to the unglamorous tasks that one can fit in around juggling other family responsibilities. And while women like you (and Moms) have done much to change the mindset of other women to believe in their own leadership potential and capabilities, there really is no corresponding movement (and why would there be?) to convince men of the value and satisfaction of being a volunteer worker bee. It’s changing, though, albeit slowly. For example, I see plenty of other men unglamorously canvassing for candidates each election cycle.
With respect to Moms Demand Action in particular, I may be an outlier (happy to have been a Moms worker bee for the last 7 years - thanks for the shout out) but I’m sure the name itself doesn’t help when trying to recruit men to the cause. Don’t get me wrong - I love the name but it does come with some drawbacks.
Right but in the 80s there were (and still are) plenty of men in Mothers Against Drunk Driving. And also if the brand is the issue, where are the men storming the statehouse re abortion? Not trying to be defensive -- just probing!
The name may not be the primary or even a major reason for the relative lack of male participation, but words do matter. As you well know, Moms is smartly insistent on having its volunteers use the “right” words to discuss our issue. But again, I would say our years of conditioning have more to do with it than anything else.
It’s because the broken systems benefit them, were invented by them, and it’s like the snake eating its tail with guns - tired ideals of masculinity.
Fred Guttenberg and Beto O'Rourke are two men that I can think of who are doing the work on gun violence prevention.
Our local school district emphasizes volunteer work for high school students. Both of my sons are in college and continue to volunteer. Hopefully this generation is being taught the importance of activism.
Personally, I believe that we need more WOMEN to fight this fight. Bring it to every family and friend event, at home and at work and stop believing it is our job to keep the peace and be nice. Historically, women have been barred from reading the newspaper and becoming active in politics. I feel empowered that we are rising up!
Men are responsible for all wars, past and present. Much human misery is directly attributable to men. When we see photos and films of war-torn areas, we see the horrors and tragedies inflicted on civilians by men and their wars. Facts.
Yep and women and POC keep forgetting we make up the majority of the population. White cis/het men aren’t going to give up power by choice either. Not sure what wiring prevents this but being nice and expecting reason is a pipe dream. I’m not advocating violence. I’m advocating something more powerful, abstinence. That will get their attention.
Sorry, this is not about people of color. The post is about women, and I venture that many wars have been started by male people of color.
As a progressive man, I believe you hit on an important insight when you wrote "men don’t think it’s a valuable use of their time", especially regarding rallies. It has caused me to focus my activism mostly on organized door to door get out the vote efforts in behalf of Democrats in every election. Ultimately, winning elections, and electoral majorities, are the key to lasting societal change, and I have learned that many voters still need that personal appeal to propel them to election day.
I'm a guy, not as well spoken as others here. Personally, I have to unlock the mental chains stemming from my neglect and abuse as a kid. I fear and distrust others. Aside from this minor issue, usually work conflicts with daytime stuff, and at night I have care of a disabled spouse. Flimsy excuses, and I'm trying to work in what I can. Zooms and internet activism is what I can manage now. I'm sorry and I will keep on trying to do more.
Your work is valuable - thank you for contributing what you can!
As a first generation born Mexican-American, I was the one always advocating for the household. My mother would share her thoughts, but herself could not articulate them well because of her accent. My father just worked. My husband (white) is a great encourager, but not much for public advocating, but does promote me as a candidate to his clients. My sons: The oldest who saw me most in action while being an organizer while he was growing up, does speak up and he does it with eloquence and not pointing fingers - but certainly making his point. My middle son, deaf - attempts to advocate, and actually did to a state senator, only for that senator to shut my son off because it was too much work for him to “hear” a deaf constituent. If I lived in MN, I would have gone back to that guy with my son and said a few words. My youngest, now living in Japan, tried canvassing for Bernie back in the day - and he’s now on the fence about advocating for anything.
As I run for office now, I am honored by the men that are canvassing on my behalf to help me get my name on the ballot here in IL. One of them, @JimMcGrath is a Moms Demand Action member! We were one of the first members of the Barrington chapter in 2017.
Not sure if this answered the question…but it’s complicated. I threw in some cultural stuff in there at the beginning.
My husband has been in Moms from the start. He says the same thing. He says men can be cowardly and follow the pack. They won’t volunteer unless they see other, supposedly powerful, men do it. And they like to be in charge and obeyed. And yes, when it comes to social issues they are lazy.
My observations during 7 years of grassroots activism: In my heteronormative household, I became activated first. So my husband cared for our small children while I was out protesting and meeting with officials and organizing. Now that the kids are older, he’s begun accompanying me to protests and advocating for equitable practices at work and continues to support my activist work. That said, he and his contemporaries (white/cis/het GenX), have a tendency to sit out until it impacts them personally. Too many of them stay on the sidelines while their wives, children and neighbors of color and those in the LGBTQIA+ community suffer from discrimination. More people - especially white men and women - need to be activated by our common humanity to stand up for those in historically marginalized communities.
This is an interesting question. I don't possess good organizational skills and I've often felt that no one listens to me anyway, especially when my confidence wavers. That said, thinking less of me and more about others has led me to be a crew member for the Komen 3-Day, a participant at the 2022 March for Our Lives Rally in DC, and a registrant for the coming Moms-Demand-Action PA State Advocacy Day. I think selfishness and a lack of empathy could explain, at least in part, why men lag behind in the heavy lifting.
Men are allowed to be masters at one thing while women are pressed to be good at all things. To be a mother means also being in the PTA even if you and your husband have careers. A man who cooks becomes a chef while a women that cooks has well known recipes in the family.
Men are shown that they can become leaders--of government, companies, churches, service organizations -- but as an American 44 year old woman I have yet to see this exemplified by women. I feel like I can help volunteer on the sidelines while balancing all of my other roles. My husband doesn't get involved nor does he feel pressured to be involved. That won't make him a better father or community member because he is assumed to be a leader in some other regard because he is a man.
I am an executive in corporate America and I have seen all kinds of sexism from all sides. Women are asked to do menial work no matter the level.
Therefore, we've created a structure where women must multitask, not seek a leadership position, and do menial work. Volunteerism is our only outlet for power.
Would love to know the data/research behind these questions. Brene Brown are you researching these questions? 💝
Much of this work isn’t paid. Women are more used to doing unpaid work. I’m not saying that is correct but I think it is true. While I was serving as a Chapter Lead, essentially an unpaid full time job, my husband was earning the money for me to be able to do that. He would show up when he could (so did both my sons) but didn’t have the freedom or flexibility that I did in the middle of the work week. He definitely viewed our activism as mutual even if he couldn’t always be there with his Man Enough to Be a Mom shirt.
I've given a great deal of thought about this question over the years, not only in relation to gun violence prevention but left/center political action in general. I think there are many reasons why older men don't engage that add up to a larger problem. I can't really speak for younger men because I'm not one of them.
First, I'd say that older men are not used to having to rally for political change. Aside from those who were around during the 60s, most haven't been through contentious times like the ones we're experiencing now and can't break out of their comfort zone. There's an element of laziness in play here, with many men preferring to comfortably resume their customary watching of sports on a weekend or doing some other pleasurable activity rather than engaging in political activity. Also, men do prioritize among other responsibilities and often place political action toward the bottom of the list.
Second, I think men more readily accept authoritarianism, whether it's in the form of corporate life, politics or teamwork. All of our lives, we've been taught to listen to our coaches, obey the CEO, obey the commandments, don't rock the boat, don't let down your teammates -- don't call attention to yourself. So many men I believe are reluctant to run against the grain. There's also a primal urge in play here -- listen to the alpha wolf and don't make yourself the omega wolf. Don't be THAT GUY.
Third, not calling attention to yourself and not standing up for people at risk for harm in an emergency situation is a form of cowardice. We glorify those who run into the fire but more often men are running away from it. I've been very frustrated when men whom I know share my views don't have my back when debates about gun violence or political topics come up in social situations. We are fully aware of the cowardice displayed on a daily basis in Congress, and a form of that cowardice is running rampant among men in general. Ironically, many men who wax eloquent about the flag or the heroes of American wars are the first to back away when contentious topics come up.
As far as solutions, I've been urging everyone -- men and women -- to Come Out of the Political Closet! This doesn't mean getting in arguments with your neighbor or uncle -- what it does mean is recogizing those who share your political views, in public or in private, and telling them you're on their side. I believe forming these "secret" networks strenghtens our cause.
Last, MOMS is a formidable organization, and I think all MOMS members should encourage their men in their lives to activate. MOMS should have a DADS for MOMS day -- and demonstrate mens' involvement. There are many of us out there on the right side of this issue, and I think you'll be surprised at the success of such a day.
As a man, I can understand why women believe that the fight is there's alone because the participation is predominantly women. I personally have been trying to engage in the causes. I have recently joined Moms Demand, Results and Environmental Voter Project along with volunteering at my local Food Pantry. There are many good causes to support and the recruitment message should be inclusive. I'm certain that many men want to be included in the fight for right. To gain the support of these men treat them as equals. Remember getting the changes is the reason for the actions not the gender of the messenger.
Unfortunately women aren't treated as equals in society at-large (eg, equal pay), so I've always felt that men should follow women's lead in this arena. I'm also not sure it's women's job to involve men - it's their job to jump in!
There are few left/center men involved in political action in general, not only MOMS
It comes down to animal biology . . . certainly there is a Human 'twist' to it but biology nonetheless.......Evolutionary biology has never failed me in understanding our behavior as a species . . . while this is not the popular thing to say in today's world it does explain the core driver of behavior based upon what I call "The 2 S's . . . survival & sex"....survival of the self and survival of the species . . . today's modern world, what I call the "Manmade Construct" has moved us so far from our natural world our behaviors are warped due to our environment but essentially manifesting these two elements.....and, yes, there is difference in how each gender approaches it that is very different but rooted in our biology.
All of the reasons you mention resonate. I would add that women still do the bulk of emotional and psychological work of their families and society.
Hope I’m not too late to the party - I actually messaged Shannon this question once & she replied she was working on a write up. (Thank you!)
I asked my husband this question many times in the midst of my anxiety ridden breakdowns about the country our children are being raised it.
A lot of his argument came down to he thinks the most he can do is vote. He researches his candidates and votes for gun sense candidates. He also said I was doing advocacy work and if I wanted him to come I should ask (we’d need childcare) He has a perspective that we can’t live in fear. No, I don’t think this is fair....but this was his answer. He cares, he wants our kids to be safe, and he thinks the above is enough (voting) and I don’t.
What I think is at play here is a lack of empathy in some men. (Someone mentioned above too) As a mother, I mourn the lives lost of those I’ve never met, he doesn’t. I fear for our kids safety, he doesn’t in the same way. Is it because of empathy? Is it because I’m more prone to carrying the worries of the family?
My thoughts.
I just listened to an amazing episode of Hidden Brain, by Shankar Vedantam, “The Secret to Great Teams.” It turns out that one of the secrets is having mostly (not all) women on the team. The podcast is research-based, and there are MANY episodes that have given me invaluable insights into our society, politics, and the people around me. Highly recommend.
I think you are touching on an important point here. I’ve wondered if we sometimes don’t leave space for men in this work because we feel a legitimate need to make sure the work isn’t taken from us. I think it is understandable for us to feel that men get us into these troubles, they can’t be trusted to help us fix them. It is a defendable position, but perhaps, in the end, not one that will lead to the changes we seek, at least, not speedier change.
Sorry but that sounds a little blame the victim-ish. There’s plenty of work for everyone. Most women I talk to would welcome men in the movements.