For me it always began with ‘not thin enough’. I was a chubby kid and I never measured up to my parent’s expectations.
Now 58, I’ve come to realize that as women, the ‘not enoughs’ come at us from all sides. And relentlessly so.
We are systematically devalued.
First hurdle, are you thin enough? Then, “sure, her body is great, but that face”
If we pass the pretty test, then it’s our intelligence. ‘She looks great, but what an airhead’
If we pass the intelligence test, then we’ve either slept our way to the top, are a raging/controlling bitch, or our voice is grating, our clothes all wrong, or most recently “that laugh”.
All of it makes me furious.
Thanks for asking Shannon. And thank you for your writing!
I graduated from one of the early classes with women at the United States Air Force Academy. We were constantly barraged with sexual harassment and told we didn’t deserve to be there. We were not allowed to pursue certain jobs because women weren’t allowed to do them. This all made an already extremely challenging environment that much tougher to negotiate for women.
Thank you, Shannon. It was difficult at the time, but it has served as motivation for me to fight for the rights of women and girls throughout my life. I am watching President Carter’s funeral as I write this, and he defined it as the most important issue of our times. Thank you for all you do to further human rights issues, including your fight for sensible gun laws. You are such an inspiration, and I so admire how you have turned unspeakable pain to positive action for good.
I totally agree. But also, let’s be clear. Demi would likely not have won if she were 25 pounds overweight, had her natural hair color and had not had all the work done that she has. I have always been a fan of hers, but this society—and the film industry—still holds on to the message that you have to look like Barbie to be good enough in America.
In the 1980s, I was assaulted by a bully who evicted me without authority from a room I rented while in college. When I called the police to report an assault, I was asked questions like, “are you in a sexual relationship with that person?”. There was no relationship or even friendship involved. After I said the name of that person, it got worse for me and the additional questions tended to blame me for the assault. I was made to feel unworthy of any protection and so I gave up and did not continue that report. Came to find out that he was a police informant AND one of the leading members of the KKK. So I was lucky I was white or I probably would have been lynched. So women are not worthy of justice was my take away.
We are all enough. Mindset is everything. Not easy but a work in progress. Daily affirm it and do things to be proud of yourself, like gratitude for all the opportunities.
Currently I am struggling to know how and when to respond to situations that upset me. I know I have to pick my battles. But when am I staying silent because I'm too scared to speak, and when am I staying silent because it's genuinely better to let the thing go? My lifelong feeling of not-enoughness makes this so complicated and difficult to sort out.
Oh I feel this so much. If I always speak up I'm a nag. If I keep quiet then I eventually blow up. And then I'm mean.
Though I did notice that when I don't speak up at work, that boils over at home. So I'm at least committed to speaking up at work. And when I don't have it in me to fight for something, I'm being transparent about it. So hopefully it won't spill over at home.
One of the things I've noticed is that there's a slippery slope between being grateful (to have a job, to have a home, basic necessities, etc.) and settling. If we're just grateful for what we have , then we're not really asking what we really want and consequently, settling for less than we we could aspire to. I feel like women are taught from an early age to just be grateful and although gratitude is important, to be sure, it can also be a kind of trap.
Take a look/listen to advertising - vagina smelly - periods messy - child birth messy - body hair a no-no ... Emotions wrong and to be controlled. And hormonal issues, peri and post-menopausal a 'problem' rather than a transition. Don't get me started on all studies for drugs mostly done on men, whose bodies have nothing to do with women. So here we are, creators of humans in our body if we choose - 'not good enough'. And not 'smart' enough to even have a body that we can choose whether to bear children or not. And in the west our default divine models are Mary Magdalene or The Virgin Mary. That is crazy making for a young girl. I am 76 and still working to own my worth. All I can do is be aware and stand in the contribution we are as girls and women and our sacred, divine feminine and have the backs of my sisters.
I was never enough in my family because I didn't take the traditional route of getting married in my 20s and having babies. I left my hometown, moved across the country and pursued my own dreams/desires, or at least went to figure out what they were. I created a life that was my own. You would think that would be looked at as a positive, but nope. Once I got married (at 36 because I wasn't going to settle and it took me until then to find the right partner), and had a baby (at 40), somehow I became more acceptable to my family. No thanks. I still think the 'traditional' roles of women are suffocating and if you don't fall into those roles, then you're unworthy. I have no regrets but it wasn't easy living outside of the box of what you're 'supposed to do'. Now at 46, I truly don't care anymore, but it shouldn't have to take this long to get there.
It was my mother who made me feel that I was never enough. Growing up she never showed me love. At least not like she showed my brother. He could nothing wrong in her eyes, but me, everything I did seemed to be wrong in her eyes. When I was older, around 16-18, all I heard from her was, "you will never amount to anything in your life." Over and over she told me this. And it stuck with me, playing over and over in my head, through much of my adult life unfurtunatley. I lived my life making a lot of stupid mistakes. It was not until I finally got involved with politics and started volunteering for my first organization that I realized this was what I was meant to do. This was where I could use my voice. I became an activist. And I came out of my shell. I faced my fear of speaking and realized I WAS ENOUGH! I actually found a ring, that I wear every day, that says "I Am Enough." And whenever I start to feel that I am failing I look at that ring and I don't give up. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, it only matters what I think of me.
In my 30 plus years in corporate America I found that often(not always) I was not enough to get the job that a less qualified man got,but then I was often too much - too direct, too confrontational ,too honest. It’s such a tightrope. But I was always filled up by knowing that my team and my peers respected and appreciated me for those qualities. I wasn’t confrontational, I was just willing to have an honest conversation about the issues impacting our team and our customers. And to this day I take pride in those skills.
My first few months as a practicing physician, the medical director told me I wasn’t seeing enough patients a day and perhaps it’s because I wasn’t made for medicine and maybe I should consider going back to training to learn how to be more productive or maybe have a chat with my husband or parents about my future. It was bonkers and it’s only one example. It took me a long time to externalize this narrative about me that he placed in my head. That I wasn’t a good enough physician being who I was and taking time with patients. What got me past this truly are the patients I have cared for over the last 15 years. They are the ones who have shown me the value of who I am and me remaining true to myself.
I'm half Mexican, working class, and lesbian. When hasn't society and my family told me I could never be enough? So, I moved away from home, found a lesbian community, and most recently have come to accept (instead of struggle with) the fact that I'm not at all career oriented. But I have always been oriented toward social justice and that's where I put my time.
One I’m still dealing with is how women are channeled into certain careers. I don’t get stimulated sitting indoors behind a desk but was always taught that jobs involving physical work or labor were not ladylike. I was also steered away from all creative careers because surely I wasn’t creative enough and I would be broke and starve to death. I could have challenged those stereotypes but I did feel pressured to show my family and my classmates that I was successful according to those standards. Subsequently my career has always seemed like a chore I’m being forced to do.
As a childfree by choice woman, I have consistently been told I am not enough. Yes, by men of course. But even worse, by women. I am not fulfilling my duty as a breeding machine and therefore worthless to society. It’s been a long road to truly believing in myself and that I am enough, actually I am awesome! And I have a lot to offer the world even if I haven’t pushed a child out of my vagina. Grateful to have a husband that agrees with me and also believes I am awesome. I sure wish the patriarchy wasn’t so insidious and that women would put down their swords against other women and instead, band together to fight the messaging that we are not enough. What a powerful army that would be.
We're always not enough, except when we're too much!
OMG, nailed it Suki!
That is actually my mantra: "I am enough (and not too much)"
👏👏👏
PREACH. I feel both of those ALL. THE. TIME.
For me it always began with ‘not thin enough’. I was a chubby kid and I never measured up to my parent’s expectations.
Now 58, I’ve come to realize that as women, the ‘not enoughs’ come at us from all sides. And relentlessly so.
We are systematically devalued.
First hurdle, are you thin enough? Then, “sure, her body is great, but that face”
If we pass the pretty test, then it’s our intelligence. ‘She looks great, but what an airhead’
If we pass the intelligence test, then we’ve either slept our way to the top, are a raging/controlling bitch, or our voice is grating, our clothes all wrong, or most recently “that laugh”.
All of it makes me furious.
Thanks for asking Shannon. And thank you for your writing!
Exactly this, Stacy. No matter what we do, it'll never be acceptable.
very well put!
I graduated from one of the early classes with women at the United States Air Force Academy. We were constantly barraged with sexual harassment and told we didn’t deserve to be there. We were not allowed to pursue certain jobs because women weren’t allowed to do them. This all made an already extremely challenging environment that much tougher to negotiate for women.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, Tammy.
Thank you, Shannon. It was difficult at the time, but it has served as motivation for me to fight for the rights of women and girls throughout my life. I am watching President Carter’s funeral as I write this, and he defined it as the most important issue of our times. Thank you for all you do to further human rights issues, including your fight for sensible gun laws. You are such an inspiration, and I so admire how you have turned unspeakable pain to positive action for good.
That is so painful and sad when people are dedicating their life to protecting the very people spewing that hurtful nonsense.
I think the rage would have eaten me alive. I'm so sorry for your experience and what a los for the Air Force.
I totally agree. But also, let’s be clear. Demi would likely not have won if she were 25 pounds overweight, had her natural hair color and had not had all the work done that she has. I have always been a fan of hers, but this society—and the film industry—still holds on to the message that you have to look like Barbie to be good enough in America.
You're right that we still have a long way to go.
I appreciate you mentioning this because I felt there was a lot of irony in it after seeing the movie.
Exactly, Beth.
In the 1980s, I was assaulted by a bully who evicted me without authority from a room I rented while in college. When I called the police to report an assault, I was asked questions like, “are you in a sexual relationship with that person?”. There was no relationship or even friendship involved. After I said the name of that person, it got worse for me and the additional questions tended to blame me for the assault. I was made to feel unworthy of any protection and so I gave up and did not continue that report. Came to find out that he was a police informant AND one of the leading members of the KKK. So I was lucky I was white or I probably would have been lynched. So women are not worthy of justice was my take away.
Wow, I am so sorry you went through that.
Thanks…Don’t move to Missouri still happens there… glad I am in Vermont
OMG! That sounds like part of a movie. Good thing you got out.
More like a nightmare
We are all enough. Mindset is everything. Not easy but a work in progress. Daily affirm it and do things to be proud of yourself, like gratitude for all the opportunities.
Great attitude, Siva!
Currently I am struggling to know how and when to respond to situations that upset me. I know I have to pick my battles. But when am I staying silent because I'm too scared to speak, and when am I staying silent because it's genuinely better to let the thing go? My lifelong feeling of not-enoughness makes this so complicated and difficult to sort out.
I think this is a very familiar feeling to a lot of women.
Oh I feel this so much. If I always speak up I'm a nag. If I keep quiet then I eventually blow up. And then I'm mean.
Though I did notice that when I don't speak up at work, that boils over at home. So I'm at least committed to speaking up at work. And when I don't have it in me to fight for something, I'm being transparent about it. So hopefully it won't spill over at home.
One of the things I've noticed is that there's a slippery slope between being grateful (to have a job, to have a home, basic necessities, etc.) and settling. If we're just grateful for what we have , then we're not really asking what we really want and consequently, settling for less than we we could aspire to. I feel like women are taught from an early age to just be grateful and although gratitude is important, to be sure, it can also be a kind of trap.
Yes, such a good point.
Take a look/listen to advertising - vagina smelly - periods messy - child birth messy - body hair a no-no ... Emotions wrong and to be controlled. And hormonal issues, peri and post-menopausal a 'problem' rather than a transition. Don't get me started on all studies for drugs mostly done on men, whose bodies have nothing to do with women. So here we are, creators of humans in our body if we choose - 'not good enough'. And not 'smart' enough to even have a body that we can choose whether to bear children or not. And in the west our default divine models are Mary Magdalene or The Virgin Mary. That is crazy making for a young girl. I am 76 and still working to own my worth. All I can do is be aware and stand in the contribution we are as girls and women and our sacred, divine feminine and have the backs of my sisters.
Have one another's backs is hugely important, thank you for making that point.
I was never enough in my family because I didn't take the traditional route of getting married in my 20s and having babies. I left my hometown, moved across the country and pursued my own dreams/desires, or at least went to figure out what they were. I created a life that was my own. You would think that would be looked at as a positive, but nope. Once I got married (at 36 because I wasn't going to settle and it took me until then to find the right partner), and had a baby (at 40), somehow I became more acceptable to my family. No thanks. I still think the 'traditional' roles of women are suffocating and if you don't fall into those roles, then you're unworthy. I have no regrets but it wasn't easy living outside of the box of what you're 'supposed to do'. Now at 46, I truly don't care anymore, but it shouldn't have to take this long to get there.
But I'm glad that you did get there!
It was my mother who made me feel that I was never enough. Growing up she never showed me love. At least not like she showed my brother. He could nothing wrong in her eyes, but me, everything I did seemed to be wrong in her eyes. When I was older, around 16-18, all I heard from her was, "you will never amount to anything in your life." Over and over she told me this. And it stuck with me, playing over and over in my head, through much of my adult life unfurtunatley. I lived my life making a lot of stupid mistakes. It was not until I finally got involved with politics and started volunteering for my first organization that I realized this was what I was meant to do. This was where I could use my voice. I became an activist. And I came out of my shell. I faced my fear of speaking and realized I WAS ENOUGH! I actually found a ring, that I wear every day, that says "I Am Enough." And whenever I start to feel that I am failing I look at that ring and I don't give up. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, it only matters what I think of me.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that, Roseann. But I loved that you now have a symbol to remind you of how enough you are.
In my 30 plus years in corporate America I found that often(not always) I was not enough to get the job that a less qualified man got,but then I was often too much - too direct, too confrontational ,too honest. It’s such a tightrope. But I was always filled up by knowing that my team and my peers respected and appreciated me for those qualities. I wasn’t confrontational, I was just willing to have an honest conversation about the issues impacting our team and our customers. And to this day I take pride in those skills.
Those are extremely important skills and I hope you continue to use them.
My first few months as a practicing physician, the medical director told me I wasn’t seeing enough patients a day and perhaps it’s because I wasn’t made for medicine and maybe I should consider going back to training to learn how to be more productive or maybe have a chat with my husband or parents about my future. It was bonkers and it’s only one example. It took me a long time to externalize this narrative about me that he placed in my head. That I wasn’t a good enough physician being who I was and taking time with patients. What got me past this truly are the patients I have cared for over the last 15 years. They are the ones who have shown me the value of who I am and me remaining true to myself.
I'm so sorry you had to have that awful narrative in your head, but also so glad you're past it now.
I'm half Mexican, working class, and lesbian. When hasn't society and my family told me I could never be enough? So, I moved away from home, found a lesbian community, and most recently have come to accept (instead of struggle with) the fact that I'm not at all career oriented. But I have always been oriented toward social justice and that's where I put my time.
I love this!
One I’m still dealing with is how women are channeled into certain careers. I don’t get stimulated sitting indoors behind a desk but was always taught that jobs involving physical work or labor were not ladylike. I was also steered away from all creative careers because surely I wasn’t creative enough and I would be broke and starve to death. I could have challenged those stereotypes but I did feel pressured to show my family and my classmates that I was successful according to those standards. Subsequently my career has always seemed like a chore I’m being forced to do.
I'm so sorry you've felt forced into something that hasn't fulfilled you.
Thank you! I don’t think I’ll call it quits just yet on doing something creative. I think maybe I’m just saving the best for last.
As a childfree by choice woman, I have consistently been told I am not enough. Yes, by men of course. But even worse, by women. I am not fulfilling my duty as a breeding machine and therefore worthless to society. It’s been a long road to truly believing in myself and that I am enough, actually I am awesome! And I have a lot to offer the world even if I haven’t pushed a child out of my vagina. Grateful to have a husband that agrees with me and also believes I am awesome. I sure wish the patriarchy wasn’t so insidious and that women would put down their swords against other women and instead, band together to fight the messaging that we are not enough. What a powerful army that would be.
Indeed - the most powerful army.